Dawn | Suicidal Todoroki x Bakugou

4 | Contemplate

I spoke with Yaoyorozu today, and she asked me how I was doing. I said I was doing good, and I asked her how she was doing. She said she wasn't doing well, and if I had a moment to talk. She looked sad.

She said she'd been feeling very down lately, and that she kept having thoughts about wanting to hurt herself. She said she was afraid of herself and her own mind, and that she was too afraid to ask for professional help.

I don't know why she decided to tell me that. Why me? I guess I should be glad she told someone at all, though. Right?

I basically said that even though the thought of asking for help is scary, it's worth it, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. That I didn't want anything to happen to her, I wanted her to feel better and feel happy, and I wanted her to seek help before her thoughts could become actions. I made myself sound genuine, and I put on the right expressions to match.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm just an empty machine created to spit out the right responses.

I just don't care. It's not my problem. It sounds selfish and cold, but it's the truth. That's just how I feel, whether I want to feel this way or not.

Yaoyorozu thanked me, and she said she would try and get help for herself.

Not too long ago, I was studying for midterms with Katsuki, and he suddenly asked me if I considered myself to be happy. That's something I never really thought about. Even now, I'll have to contemplate that, but I told him yes, and it was like his eyes were two beating hearts...exsanguinated in an instant.

"Do you feel like you're happy?"

I nodded, but my answer was there because it was what I thought was the ideal answer.

Katsuki looked me in the eyes when he said: "Feeling nothing...is what you feel that your happiness is?" I told him that if I'm not sad, then that's what my happiness is.

Not being sad and being happy are two different things, but why say the truth if it'll only cause problems? That's the kind of society we live in. A society where you'd rather swallow your misery with a fake smile and slowly rot away into an unfeeling corpse than burden anyone with your problems or admit to having those problems. A society where that sweet, intelligent person everyone loves is cutting or contemplating that where the eyes can't see. A society where your best friend that keeps no secrets from you and you keep no secrets from is suddenly found hanging in a noose.

Thinking about it now, even Endeavor, the number one hero, never got help.

Katsuki hugged me tight. He said that I'm only human, but it's like he's not talking to a living person most of the time. He told me I don't have to do this to myself just to try and feel happy again.

That's not what it is. I'm not actively trying to suppress my emotions like I was before. They're just not there, even when I want them to be. Don't you know this? Katsuki, I think you're the one lying to yourself about how you really feel.

He told me to think about the things that make me define this as my happiness. So...

I've been sitting here for the past twelve minutes. I can't think of anything. Even when I contemplate these things, I turn up empty-handed.

What does it even mean to be "happy?" I don't know. But the list of things that make me happy are the things that should make me happy, but none of them do. Or do they? Again, what is happiness? I'm fine where I am, but does that mean I'm happy? No, but it could. I'm lost. I'm tired. I think I'll take a nap. Sleeping is better than indulging in my bad habits, right?