The Gilded Cage - Accepting My Place

Not Playing in the Park

Nurslings get plenty of time to think about their lives. Most doting mothers, and certainly most nannies, like to keep their charges busy, always under constant supervision, but there are still plenty of times when they are in their pushchairs, or in their cots, with nothing to do other than contemplate their future. I had not thought about all that, too much, when I was managing the lives of my hapless charges, but in the three days since I had been demoted to the status of nursling from the lofty heights of maidenhood, I had plenty of time to mope. Just as I would have done in the circumstances, Miss Davenport kept me on the shortest of leashes, as if I was the youngest in her litter, not the oldest, and nothing less than perfect behaviour would do for her, as I struggled to make amends for my sins. So, I spent a lot of time in the playpen, various child-carriers, and the highchair, learning to behave. She made me use my diapers all the time and I took every bottle on an adult's lap, always under the strictest discipline, and any hint of hesitation earned a smack. And thus, I had plenty of time to think about my many shortcomings and my arrogant aspirations. By the time I got to the Friday, just six long days after I stood up in the Meadvale Church of Christ the Reformer and solemnly vowed to obey God and the holy doctrine, respect my elders, and heed my guardians as I joined the First Congregation, I found myself in the fenced-in safe play area, in Meadvale park, holding hands with dear Caris and Henrietta, my most faithful loyal supporters, still cursing my pathetic pride and stupidity.

"Auntie said only for the holidays, Hermione?" Caris reminded me, offering me her endless adoration and reassurance, squeezing my hand through our thick mittens, her limitless love for me transcending my altered circumstances. "And you are being good for Nanny, so it won't be for long...will it?"

"She is only trying to make you better, Hermione...like you did for us?" Henrietta suggested gently, squeezing my other hand, and offering similar support. It was a cold, bright day, bathed in December sunshine, and we were all wearing heavy cream coats, white woolen scarves and white bobble hats. I would have said adorable, when I was their nanny, but now that I was as much of a nursling as anyone else in the play area, I felt small, childish, and quite helpless to do anything for myself. Which was the general idea, of course. Nurslings are supposed to feel entirely dependent, and both Caris and Henrietta had reached that state very quickly, because they had responded positively to the love and attention showered on them, primarily by me as Henrietta had pointed out. But both girls also loved Helen and Colin, as well as all the other members of their family, and therefore, they did not question my transformation at all, as they were told, by me as well as Mr and Mrs Montague, that I wanted to be their sister forever. That I wanted to be saved in God's love. And I really did want that, of course. The only thing that made my disgrace remotely bearable was being so close to them and all the other girls. I was exactly where I wanted to be, but not in the way that I wanted to be there. But they did not look at it like that, because they believed that God would help me find my best self, with them, and they were just delighted to have me with them. "I know you don't want to be a nursling...but Mama says it will be good for you in the long run...when you are a maiden again...and we love having you with us, Hermione?"

"I love being with you...and I know it is for my own good," I admitted, grinning at my two sentinels. "But it is really hard...I am used to being a nanny...an adult...I suppose?"

"I like you better as a big sister." Henrietta insisted as they led me along the path around all the apparatus. Because of the weather, and the school holidays, the park was busy, and I could see all the adults sitting in and outside the café, drinking coffee and keeping an eye on us. Our nanny was at a table nearest to the fence, clearly visible in her brown Norland coat, with Annie sitting beside her, doing her job, as I would have done. It would have been easy to sit inside in the warm, and many people were doing just that, but Karen and Annie were being paid to look after us, and they wanted to stay close. "Do you want to go on the swings?"