Ambivalence || JJK ✓

Chapter 8

She wanted to run to him, stop him, slap him and scream at him. But she couldn't. Her heart was disintegrating into pieces with every second, while her eyes were fixed at their disappearing figure.

When he had finally gone she ambled, making her way out of the place too, her vision blurred with tears threatening to fall. Ignorant of the surroundings, she was busy managing her tears.

~

"TwEnTy SiX", she hiccuped in taking the intoxicant. Her tongue licked the swollen lips while the eyes were drowsy. She was extremely tipsy but did she care? No.

Her hair tangled with each other as the wind hit her under the moonlight. Her apartment was small, cozy and enough for her but his warmth was missing. Her tears fell, unwanted. She had no strength to even wipe them. She was fighting all alone.

She stumbled standing up and smiled at her woozy face. Her fingers curled the tips of her hair, eyes staring at the drop of tears walking down the swollen cheeks. What hurt her the most today was he didn't care about her anymore. Technically it was her fault to begin with.

She gasped for air, crashing on the cold tiled floor, clasping her hands against it. Her cries were so horrifying to listen to, "W-Why do you hate me so fucking much J-Jeon?"

"WHY?!", she yelled, pushing aside everything from the top of her dressing table.

"Just yell at me and tell the t-truth", her fingers gripped the corner of her small bed as she tried to stand up. Her legs trembled as she dropped herself on the bed, wrapped messily in the satin sheets. Her numb eyes stared at the ceiling as the tears continued to drip down the corners. Her lips flickered, as she slowly gripped on to her phone.

The curtains banged at the window pane as the moonlight slid in her dark room.

She had no knowledge of what was she was doing.

"Love... was something I had always been craving for since childhood. And God gave me an amazing brother. But when I got mature enough to feel his love, he left me, all alone to fight with so many blames on my head.

Parents were always dead for me, for them I was the biggest mistake after they lost their son. I waited for days to pass as I restricted myself to a few bunch of people I could trust but life took a turn when I found him, my man, whom I was so proud of. He showered me with the only thing I ever wanted, love", her tears fell.

"...But it's rightly said happiness doesn't last long. We stayed together through everything for 5 years and in those five years he made me someone I never was. A lover. We cared for each other, we cried together, we danced together, we smiled together, we were so strong together. He was always there for me, he understood me so well but I... I was a failure.

I had dreamed of being an ideal partner but I lost myself in the middle. The vows which we had taken together meant so small to me. We... we parted our ways, the world called him wrong but it was me who was wrong.

Someone taught me blames don't matter, how you are able to survive them matters.

I did, I tried my best but he was my solace, I was never at peace. In the long span of a lonely life I learned how important it is to admire someone who made you the best version of yourself. I should have fought, I should have run, I should have tried but... I didn't do anything.

I was a waste of love.

Now the path seems long and lonely, full of thorns, but I have no one to help me, my rose wilted long ago. The word 'Love' never really was taken seriously by me I guess? So I deserve this punishment too, right? Where does it stand in my sight? I... I don't know. Sorry for being ignorant to what I should have cherished.

I thought I was responsible but no I was wrong, he was way ahead than me... in everything. Regrets have dug me so deep off the ground and I'll be honest... I don't-I don't know the way.

Collecting the shattered pieces of my home I want to build a palace. Am I being too greedy? Am I being too selfish? I think I am but please this is the only cure of my illness. The path seems so far and my love seems so rusted and lost but I want to wait. I made it wrong but I want to turn it right. It's hard to breathe but I... I-I want to l-live.

But t-tell me that you don't love me anymore. Tell me that I am dead for you J-Jungkook. Tell me how pathetic I am.

B-But don't stop caring about me. I am sorry for what I put you through.

I am sorry for being so mean, selfish, and such a l-loser.

I have only you, please don't do this. Tell me you want me."

She lost control on herself as her cries grew louder. She clutched on to the phone so tightly, ignorant of the fact that she had accidentally recorded everything and even sent him.

~

Standing in the balcony he stood facing the view of the calm city while soft breezes hit his face, flying the bangs exposing his perfect forehead. His phone beeped catching his attention. The brows twitched seeing her voice mail. His lips quivered hearing her, her state hurt him more.

His fingers joined the flowing tears washing away the dirt in them as they continued to fall. "Liar", he scoffed, starting to wipe them off harshly, reddening the cheeks, leaving a few grazes.

"It is hurting so much", he said, pointing to his heart.

"Can't you stop pretending?", he screamed, not caring about the time getting onto his knees, "Why are you doing this? We are over, why can't you let me live huh?", his voice echoed in the peace of night as the sobs grew louder.

"I feel-I feel so tired. I feel so small. Why-why are you making me weak? It's hard to get back to normal don't you know?"

Letting him lose his sanity the young man continued to cry as he knew it was the time he needed to show who he really is. No one was there to see him, his trust on the moon made him cry so bitterly for himself for the first time and he needed it so badly. No one was there to embrace him so he tried to robe himself with the peace of moonlight.

While on the other end the girl sat on the floor, like a delicate feather, crying endlessly in her own embrace. She had no one by her side too. The pains were clutching her heart strongly. She was not weak but she was losing an inch of her strength daily.

The whole night the couple cried and the moon stood there as a witness of those painful cries. Unsure of the answers they unknowingly cried for each other's embrace. The heart was refusing to accept the love and the immaturity made them aloof. What was holding them back? What was preventing them from falling in love again?