BOXER'S BALLERINA | KOOKV

Ch 21. Hands

With every blow of his fist, the boxer huffed and breathed out deep and heavy, the veins straining on his thick neck, bulging through his arms through every hit. It was obvious by the way Jeongguk's breathing becomes erratic with every steep that every blow against the punching bag was filled with the courtesy of anger.

And Jeongguk knows that he should stop. Because every scar on his knuckles won't do him any good, every slice of cut and every slice of cruer blood on his hands won't do him any difference. No matter, there wont be anyone like Taehyung to treat them anymore.

"Hey calm down, you've been going on for forever already" Namjoon's voice sounds distant even when he steps before him. He's standing near the slugger bag, watching every strike that folds the insides of it.

There's a drawling sigh leaving his lips when there's not any respose again, instead setting with getting a grip on Jeongguk's bulged bicep, a sewing iron grip and he doesn't look too happy when he does. His face twisting into that familiar rage.

"Get a grip of yourself Jeongguk. What's gotten into you these days?" There's so much courtesy in Namjoons voice, but he can't seem to care about any of it "you have to focus if you're taking the win next week"

Jeongguk exhales out an annoyed  breath "It doesn't matter any jack shit anyway"

There's movement again, and he tries to snap his arm away from his friends grip, but the hostile grip turns to a knitted brows and a sharp pull of eyes on him "Sit the fuck down Jeongguk, you know damn well you need that money" Namjoon snaps, "We need that money"

Namjoon's fingers create strains against Jeongguk's back when he pushes him to sit down on the bench.

And he looks down at his bruised hands, jaw strained and breath hitched.

He doesn't want to hear anymore of it. Doesn't want to hear Namjoon put all the shit on him now when the last few days felt like his body is narrowed into slits. Doesn't want to hear another word, because they all sounds the same now.

They both had returned to silence. His hard breathing turning so distinct under the silence and it's burning his skin.

"If he can't make you focus you shouldn't keep seeing him" Namjoon breaks it, between the burning whift of smoke that drawls out between his muffled throat, with such quiet uncertainty that he's not sure if Jeongguk even hears it.

The boxer's nose flares, eyes narrowed into slits when he snaps. "I'm not seeing him"

They go back and forth in the quiet; Namjoon watching him battling his control of rage, hands twitching in annoyance. After knowing Jeongguk for a decade he could tell, that he's never seen him so devoted to a person before.

To a boy who likes to ballet.

And Jeongguk tries to think it doesn't matter.

That Taehyung didn't mean much to him anyway. That he was just someone that didn't matter. Someone to to pass the time. And he does this so many times. He tells himself this over and over again, tries to convince himself that nothing did matter. That he's just another stupid game.

He doesn't tell himself that Taehyung is the first person he completely lost himself to.

"If you truly care for him-"

"I don't."

Jeongguk cuts harshly, head snapped shut on his fingers.

Jeongguk shifts the strain on his hands. Eyes never leaving his scared knuckles and Namjoon thinks that it's the first time he's ever seen him look so out of his own element. And it's as if it scares Jeongguk himself.

There's a hand slowly settled on his shoulder, the comfort of Namjoon's unusal ways of telling that things will eventually be okay.

Namjoon let's out a long hum, crushing his dying cigarette between the tip of his fingers. "It's better you end things with him if it's starting to messle with boxing"

Namjoon says, in such a reassuring tone that Jeongguk often forgets how serious he can be. When he squeezes his shoulder, Jeongguk knows he looks miserable now. "Your first priority should always be boxing"

Jeongguk shuts his jaw, "It's already ended"

He holds his harsh breath from seeping out, and the control he's started to have so easy for on his anger is slowly seeping away with every second that moves.

Jeongguk runs his bruised fingers through his damp fring, between the strands of his dark hair when he continues-

"Did you seriously believe he could ever be with someone like me"

He tells lamely. And it grows quiet between his pulled back harsh breaths. It's only a second after he slowly buries his head between his burning fingers, face hardening with every thought.

He knows that he's more than messed up and awful and that his insides are trouble. That rumors are true, that his bad reputation isn't anywhere from lying. But hearing it from Taehyung was the first time he thinks he can't handle cruelty like he always have.

There's a shaked breath against his buried hands, almost to weak.

Then he takes a deep shuddering huff, feeling his inside crumble "He's so perfect Namjoon" there's another silent breath "He's so perfect.."

He thinks of Taehyung.

Of the way his color coordinates are always so stupid, but they never are on him. Of how sappy it is when he always have that dumb bright glimmer fulsome in his eyes. Taehyung who stares with wide and clueless eyes. And when he talks Jeongguk can never look away. Even when most of the time doesn't make any sense, he doesn't want him to stop.

That when he holds his hand in his, and treats his bruises with his stupid cotton pads. He doesn't want it to be anyone else but him.

Taehyung does everything that Jeongguk hates. But Jeongguk
never hates it when it's him. When
it's Taehyung he likes everything he does.

He thinks that he did try. For Taehyung, he did try to be better.

Jeongguk likes it when he smiles.

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