Quiet

Chapter 16 - Can't Not Look

"Are you nervous?" Mr. Lombardi says. We're driving to Jiyugaoka for the magazine interview I promised to do with my father. "Should I go in with you?"

I toy with my amulet, the yakuyoke, the one that wards off evil. I wrap and unwrap the amulet's string around my fingers, over and over again. "It's okay." I smile.

Over the last few days, I read a novel by Yuri Kameyama. She's a single mom who writes about broken families with irresponsible or missing fathers and struggling, strong women. That's why they picked her to interview us. According to Margot, my father and I will interest Yuri's fans. She thinks the interview will draw some of Yuri's fans to my father's solo exhibition when it opens. It could backfire. Her fans might read what I say and hate my father. Or they might want to hear from my mother. But Margot said, "Say whatever you want. It's fine."

The Gears will tour Japan next month, so my father's getting busier. Our interview is just the first in a long line of media appearances. I've seen my father a few times since Cynthia demanded I condemn him, but I have no idea if he's sinister. I care. I'll be on the lookout for sinister, but it's not easy to just dismiss him now that he's back. Especially without really knowing.

"I'm a little nervous," I admit.

Mr. Lombardi shakes his head. "Don't be. Margot knows what she's doing."

The butterflies in my stomach aren't just because of the interview. I don't blame Cynthia's friend, the one I call the boy, for giving up on me, but Cynthia dropped me completely, and that sucks. She sucks.

When Joel disappears, I'll have plenty of time for my school friends, especially Risa, who read Yuri's novel too when I told her I was meeting the author. I'll just learn from all this, go with it. Maybe that's what my father wants. To toughen me up.

The area with the coffee shop where we'll do the interview is closed to traffic. Mr. Lombardi pulls over, so I can jump out. "You've never carried an amulet before, have you?" he says.

"No, but there's evil afoot." I kiss his cheek and open the car door. He stares ahead, but I can tell from his bright face that he's very happy. I wish it was that easy to make everyone happy. "I love you, Dad," I say.

***

After we sit down in a roped off second floor of the coffee shop, my father takes charge. "When was your first success as a writer?" he says to Yuri Kameyama.

"My first year out of college." Ms. Kameyama's older than my father. A red cashmere scarf printed or painted with flowers loosely rings her neck. The ends of the scarf fall off both her shoulders. It spreads across the front of her long sleeve, rose-colored sweater dress. Her hair includes some gray strands and is pulled back tightly into a ponytail.

I don't listen carefully to the small talk. My mind's on Joel and Cynthia and tiny clues that might verify Cynthia's claims about my father. During the time we shopped together, my father didn't ogle every beautiful woman in sight. That might mean something good. Ms. Kameyama is elegant, smart, and successful. My father should date her.

Ms. Kameyama doesn't let my father run the conversation for long. "How successful do you feel as a father?" she says. "Do you have any regrets?"

He stiffens and folds his hands into his lap. He gazes at my half-eaten cheesecake before meeting my eyes, but I glaze over and stare slightly to one side of his head, at the short dirty blond hair around his ear. Just when I thought I'm getting stronger - standing up to the Yakuza a little, standing up to Cynthia - turns out I'm the same old Makiko in most situations. I avoid getting emotional and don't want to ask about Joel.