Forget-Me-Not (dreamxreader)

52 || Always

My ears ring and suddenly I swear I smell gunpowder, I see colours that shouldn't be there, there's shouting and jeering and screaming and blood and-

"Tubbo!" 

I flinch, stumbling back with my fists raised. Every muscle in my body was charged with adrenaline. I won't let myself be weak again, I can't handle it, I can't be that burden again. Not on anybody and especially not on Ranboo or Tommy. But when I look around, there's no fight, only a lingering feeling. Fundy and Quackity look at one another and then back at me with concerned expressions. 

I swear I saw Schlatt's face behind them for a second. Bored and ready to dump stuff onto me. Stuff I'd have to carry and juggle back to Pogtopia like a tight rope walker in a three-ringed circus. I often wondered if Tommy ever was afraid of fighting Schlatt like I was.  

"Hey, are you alright man-"

"I'm fine!" I cut Fundy off and stressfully run a hand through my hair. He shouldn't be asking If I'm ok, I need to be fine. As I wander on the spot, I spot what had crashed, a metal trash can around the corner of the building. Why am I so fucking jumpy?

"Tubbo-" Fundy tries again but I'm quick to snap back. 

"Move everything to... to some other time," I order frustratedly. I feel myself channelling stress into anger but I can't be fucked to hold it back this time. 

"But Tubbo some of this is urgent I mean-"

"Just do it," I demand again. Quackity and Fundy sigh defeatedly and I feel something guiltily lift off my shoulders. 

"We'll see you tomorrow Tubbo," Quackity says and walks back inside the building. Fundy shoots me one last troubled look before disappearing around the corner towards the training grounds. The last thing I need is to trouble them. 

As soon as I reach my office I lock the door and pace the floor. 

The echo of the trash can mixes with the memory of firework explosions. Deep breaths you moron, I try but it does nothing for me. The memory of how I became president floats into my head. Tommy gave it to me. I love being president, I love helping the people, but I felt like a broken tap. No, rather the sink. Slowly filling until I overflow and I'm so deep into it I don't remember where the top is.  

Tommy gave me the presidency. I told him it was ok when he started to regret it afterwards. He was worried it would be too much. I remember Ghostbur had come in and added his own thoughts. 

"It was good of you to give it to Tubbo," he had smiled. "Tubbo's older, he can handle the heavy things you can't shoulder."

He was trying to reassure Tommy. Unwittingly, he had forever imprinted a thought in my mind. Tommy often gave me the shit he couldn't handle, because I'm older. I just took it on. Would a soulmate do that?

Memories of my recovery after the explosion sit in my brain. I was so weak, I could barely move. Y/N and Niki came in every morning with fresh bandages and food until I could stand. Without them, I would be nothing. I burdened them with so much and they just smiled and took it on. I want to be like them. Kind like them, considerate like them, independent like them. 

I don't want to burden anybody like that again. I don't want to be a burden like I was to Wilbur in Pogtopia. I don't want to be a burden to Ranboo or Michael. I have to carry my weight. 

I piled everything into searching for Y/N when she disappeared. But I couldn't even do that right. It was so simple, she was within our reach. It would have been so easy to find her. I got too busy being a president instead of caring about my friend. I left all of it to Dream and he crumbled.