dress, harry lewis/w2s

¹⁰

Driving down the road back to my house, I let myself calm down. I shouldn't be this upset. We're not together. We're not together. We aren't together. I have no authority over what he decides to do, he's his own person and I can't and never will control that.

Just as things are looking up for me, it all comes crashing down. It always fucking happens. The moment I finally feel content, my life comes to a sudden hault. Everything that I once felt secure in, fucking me over.

I guess it's just my luck, a curse as I'd like to call it. Its as if the universe has it out for me, ruining all of my chances to be happy. I've got all I could ever dream of wanting, so why is it the one thing I want, not want me?

No.

I'm not ready to admit that yet.

I can't.

The tight feeling in my chest expands, making the closed space of my car unexpectedly making me feel claustrophobic. The sound of going back home and staying in London making me feel dizzy.

U-turning around, I drive in the opposite direction of my house. Taking the route back to my actual home.

I need out of here.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

It took about 4 hours and what felt like 80 stops for me to make it to Manchester. My car is a riot, different bags of crisps and a few bottles of water sat scattered on the floor. I don't think I thought of this plan well enough, the only things I have with me are my phone and charger. No change of clothes, no makeup and no given indication to my mum that im even coming to see her.

It's a lot darker now, the only things I can see being the dimly lit road ahead of me. What made her move out into the middle of nowhere? Such an inconvenience.

My phone is connected to the speakers already, one of my big playlists playing songs the entire drive here. The opening tune of 'dont delete the kisses' by wolf alice begins to play. Drums hitting on repeat as she begins to sing. Turning the volume up as high as I can, I let go of any worries I have right now. Letting the music take it all away.

I roll the driver seat window down, a strong breeze making my hair flail around behind my face. Its so quiet, the only thing I can hear being the sound of my own thoughts and the song blasting loudly.

What if it's not made for me?
Love.

I scream the chorus, eyes still focused on driving. My head has completely been taken over by the blue eyed boy who appeared from nowhere and turned everthing upside down. It was as if he was like supposed to be in my life, clicking like two pieces of lego.

When I see you, the whole world reduces
To just that room.

There's no harm in saying that there is something there, some sort of spark that just sticks around when we're together. I've always been one to over romanticise love, the cliche little things that you see in every romcom to ever exist. But deep down ive knew that love will never be for me. At least not in the way it's portrayed in those films.

And I like you,
and I'll never let it show.

My whole perception of love was ruined once before. I actually believed that I was loved with marcus. How stupid is that? When I finally figured it out and knew that it wasn't what love is meant to look like, my whole way of seeing it changed.

Love is sweet. Its pure and genuine. Its like the rush you get as you know you're about to drop on a rollercoaster, suffocating and drowning in a bottomless pit. Its passion. Its addictive. Its happiness.

Its not holding your breath incase you breathe too heavy for them to start an argument. Its not biting your tongue with every snarky remark in hopes that it'll get better. Its not meant to feel like your words are being stripped from you, the highs being so perfect. The lows ripping you of every emotion you can think of.

I'm retelling jokes you made that made me laugh
Pretending that they're mine

Happiness comes in phases with me. One minute im feeling on top of the world, the next I can't even figure out why I'm the way I am.

But lately its not been a phase. My contentment stemming from the people and person I surround myself with. Its one of those things that I can't properly decipher, I just get the impression that I'm finally pulling myself out of that glooming sadness that hangs over my head like a grey cloud.

I wanna tell the whole world about you
I think that that's a sign
I'm losing self-control and it's you
It really is, 1000 times

But how. How do I fix this. How do I come to terms with how I feel lit up when he's around? How do I rid myself of it when all that's on my mind is him.

I look at your picture and I smile
How awful's that? I'm like a teenage girl
I might as well write all over my notebook
That you rock my world

It scares me, so so much. Caring for somebody this much when that has been held against me in the past. I can't help but doubt it. Feel that lack of uncertainty about him having this same compassion for me too.

I can't just drastically change the way I'm wired overnight. If I could I would, but it's never that simple. This sort of damage has crushed me with an overwhelming force of a tidal wave, drowning me in its cold embrace.

You've turned me upside down
And that's okay, I'll let it happen
'Cause I like having you around.

I think it's time for change. Time for me to push aside my doubts and insecurities. I want to be better. I want to be loved, even if it's the last thing I ever do.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

this one is quite short soz.

JUST A LITTLE LOOK INTO FAYES THOUGHTS AND WHY SHES SHIT SCARED TO ADMIT SHE LIKES HARRY

FUCK MARCUS.

anyways dont delete the kisses will always be one of my favourite songs. THE SECOND VERSE IS JUST SOOOOOOO ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

IT ITCHES A PART IN MY BRAIN GOODBYE

also we're on chapter 10. what the fuck. ive never been so dedicated to a book before im loving it.💪🏻💪🏻

BYEEEEEEE