Indie and Sawyer's Lockdown Blues

Day 16

"How? You have both your parents! Your situation doesn't even begin to compare to mine." He says and I start to feel angry.

"Never mind. I clearly didn't realise I was talking to you Sawyer." I say as I get up and sit at the window and pull the curtain slightly.

I'm surprised to see Danny, Mika and Fallon playing in the snow but I'm more sad to see how much fun they're having.

I was in bed by 8pm everyday. Not asleep but in bed.

I'd have to hear all my siblings having fun. It was hard.

I let go of the curtain.

I grab the blanket and pillows and I lie down and stare out of the window from the bottom of it.

I find myself crying as I look at Danny and Mika and Fallon having so much fun.

I hear my dads voice shouting, kindly, for them to come in and I let out a loud sniffle when my dad comes out and they hit him with snowballs and he just laughs and throws them back.

I watch as he hugs them and then carries Mika and Fallon with Danny back to the house.

I find myself watching to the very moment I can't see them anymore.

I get off the bay as I find myself falling to the floor as I cry.

It's so agonising, so perplexing being the unloved one because I always wondered what I was doing that made me so hated.

There was nothing wrong with me as a kid, my parents just couldn't handle non-perfect kids. They couldn't handle an autistic child who also had anger issues.

They knew about both and instead of trying to help they chose to outcast me and nothing could hurt more than knowing they were willing to try.

When Noah and then Joshua were born, they were diagnosed within the early years of their lives, much like me and only because I was so different they'd have been purposely choosing not to notice my differences from other children but unlike me, they weren't treated any differently and were treated with love and care.

I wasn't.

One snarky comment, go to your room. One, I don't like this food, go to your room. One octave raised in my voice, go to your room.

Maybe it was because I was annoying, maybe it was because I was their first neurodivergent child, maybe it was because I was a girl.

All I knew is that I was not the kid they wanted to try to love and while I should learn to live with that, it was easier said than done.

I hear someone coming up the stairs and I turn away from them as I scoot closer to the bay so my face isn't visible.

"Why are you on the floor?" Sawyer asks me.

"Leave me alone." I say, my voice normal as to not disguise that I've been crying. "I like it down here."

I did. I rarely had a bed when I was younger. In fact I only had one because I made the one I had.

You heard me. Made.

I slept on a mattress, which was comfy and all but it was not there to be nice.

I wasn't allowed stuff unless I paid for it.

The loft part was built in because George paid for it for Sawyer and I to be together.

The rest of the stuff I either made for or paid for with my own money.

The desk I paid for, the bed I made, the wardrobe I paid for and that's all I had.

I hear laughter and shouting again and get up to look as I see my family all outside and I see her, my mom.

The person who caused me the most pain in life.

Even Tyler crosses over to see them and they all laugh and hug him.

I guess we weren't as big siblings in arms as I thought, I forgot they still loved him.

"Why are you staring at them? They're your family. Go join them." He says and I look at him.

"They are not my family. Don't you ever call them that again." I say as I get up and grab my stuff from the loft. I put my socks, coat, scarf, hat and gloves on. I stuff my blanket into my suitcase.

"Where are you going? Ana?" Sawyer shouts after me as I start getting ready. I make sure I have all my stuff.

"Ana?" He calls for me again.

"Don't call me that!" I shout as I put my backpack on and grab my suitcase and take it downstairs and put my shoes on.

I open the door and shut it softly and take my suitcase, backpack and laptop bag to my car.

My parents and siblings spot me and my mom pulls a face but I ignore her.

I can't stand them.

I put my suitcase in my boot and backpack and laptop bag in the front seat and start my car up.

I turn the heat up, plug my phone into the aux and drive off.

I knew they never actually cared about me.

***

I drive all the way home and when I get in I go to my room and cry.

I cry for hours and hours until I can cry no more.

I get a call. It's Tyler.

I pick up.

"Hello?" I say.

"Are you at your dorm?" He asks.

"Yes. I am." I say. I feel bad for leaving without saying goodbye.

"I'm glad you got home safe. You see... Sawyer wants to know what's up with you and why you left so suddenly. Do I tell him?" He asks.

"No. Please don't. Tyler I beg of you." I plead with him.

"Okay. I won't. Have a good day and goodnight." He says and I cut the phone.

I get into my bed and wipe my tears as I fall asleep.