Finding Her Own Way

Chapter 9 - Fearing Love

Author's Note:

Hi guys! Sorry for the wait, but here's the next chapter. Reminder: This story follows the movies, but I disliked the second film where Elle was kissing Marco while being with Noah. All my stories about The Kissing Booth will have the first break up and the book's kiss while they were broken up. So, the Levi and Amanda stuff is Marco and Chloe but with the final film's events. I know that isn't very clear, but I feel strongly about it. I haven't finished the last book, so if anything contradicts, I am not aware of that yet.

Elle POV

I couldn't help but give into Noah's plea for me to stay. I had missed him so much. Of course, I tried not to want him, but it's pretty hard not to when he is the most attractive guy I've ever seen, and he's a fantastic kisser. Granted, I still don't have much experience, Danny, Marco, and that kiss with Lee at the bonfire, yuck. But through it all, nobody has ever made me feel as he does. 

I don't know whether or not that is a good thing.

Noah was my first everything. I am his first girlfriend. His first love. We've already broken up twice, three times if you count, when Lee kept us apart. I never wanted to be one of those girls in an on-again-off-again relationship. They aren't healthy. I know firsthand that they suck, but I can't help loving Noah. I keep going back to Noah. Still, I can't help but feel scared that we have gotten ourselves stuck in a cycle where neither of us will win.

"Noah," I whispered, pulling away from his lips and leaning into his hand that rested on my cheek. "I'm scared."

"Why?" He whispered back, his eyes searching mine.

"I love you. I can't imagine ever loving anyone else but you."

He grinned that stupid grin that I loved. The one Lee affectionately calls his 'Shelly smile" that makes him look like a dope. But, to me, it just reminds me that he's my Noah. The one I only see. "That doesn't sound bad to me. Why does that scare you? I feel the same way."

"Because we have these incredibly strong feelings, and we've broken up twice within a year. Granted, I know both times were my fault."

"That's not true."

"It is, and maybe our problem was that we didn't move past our actions. I don't want to go through that again. So, I know you know this, but I want you to understand it all from my point of view so you can understand my actions this summer. And in turn, I want to understand your actions better. Okay?"

His hesitant eyes searched mine as his grip on me tightened as if I was going to vanish into thin air. "Okay."

"I never had any true feelings for Marco. He was a friend when I needed one the most. When we broke up, I felt like the world around me was collapsing before my eyes. I truly felt like I was alone for the first time in my life. I always had you and Lee. Even when we weren't dating, I knew you were there too. You were someone who knew me better than everyone else but Lee. He was the only person at the time who made me smile. When I kissed him, I thought it would help me move on. That maybe he could be the person I moved on with. That didn't work because my feelings for him were strictly platonic. I didn't realize his feelings didn't mirror mine."

"I know that, Shelly," he said, caressing my cheek, his voice rough with emotion.

"I'm sorry I didn't realize his intentions. I wasn't hanging out with him to make you angry or upset. I was with him because he was someone I was not trying to make happy. He was someone I could vent to. When you didn't want to help with the bucket list, he could lend a hand. I wasn't trying to replace you, I always wanted you there, but I needed help to try and make it all work. I was trying to make everyone happy because I felt so guilty. After all, I was letting everyone down."

"I'm sorry I didn't help you with the bucket list. I don't even know why I kept turning you guys down. Chloe asked me about that too. I just played it off that I was too cool and mature for that."

"Is that not what it was?" I asked. "I mean, I knew you didn't like doing that kind of stuff."

He sighed, pulling away from me and leaning his head back against the couch. "I've fucked up, haven't I?" He mumbled, almost inaudible. He ran his hands down his face, his eyes red.

I know Noah more than anyone, the only exception being his mom. I knew there were things he was still working through. Things he kept deep inside himself because he was embarrassed or ashamed. Noah was very methodical, even when it came to protecting his own heart. I wish I had been able to help him through it when we were young. That was the problem, though. I was too young and hyper-focused about the issues my own family was facing.

I missed it then. I refuse to miss it now. But he needed to open up to me first.

I climbed onto my knees, still straddling him. I moved his hands away from his face, cupping his cheeks, leaving a lingering kiss on his lips. "Let me in, Noah. Tell me what really happened."

He looked deep into my eyes as if he would never see them again, brushing his thumb against my cheek, smiling sadly. "I am in awe of you, Rochelle," he whispered. "Your courage and spirit. The way you give yourself freely to those around you. The way you don't care about what you're doing or how silly it is as long as you've made someone happy. I wish I could be like that with you. I wish I could make you laugh like Lee. Or have fun as you do with Lee. I wish I could stop holding myself back and be all the things you need me."

"I don't need you to be anyone but you. I love you for who you are."

"But how can you love me for who I am when I can't decipher it anymore? I try putting down the front, but it always comes back up. I can't help it. I've been like this too long."

"Hey," I said, interrupting his rambling. I've only seen this doubt and fear in him when he came to talk to try to get back together at Thanksgiving. "You show me who you are every day. With your family, you are caring and open. To them, you are Noah. To everyone else, you are Flynn, and that's okay. The way you are with the people you love or care about is what matters. You know when it's right to open. And you've gotten better. You've made real friends here, met good people who genuinely care about you. Why do you think that Chloe calls you Noah? It's because she knows who you are, Noah. Just like I do."

"Who am I to you then?"

"Besides the obvious?" I smirked, and he snorted, shaking his head. "To me, you are my Noah. The Noah who is loving and kind. The Noah who wants it all and then feels terrible for thinking he is selfish. The Noah who knows the right thing to say when I'm sad or when I need him. The Noah who trusts me with himself. And the Noah, I'm terrified to lose again because I tried and failed twice to get over him. The Noah that no one can compete with."

"I like being your Noah, Shel."

"But for how long?" I honestly asked.

"Forever. And I need you to trust that that is what I want. I want you, Rochelle. I'm sorry that I didn't make you feel like I wanted you. I've wanted you for as long as I can remember. I don't think that will ever change."

"Me too." I turned to the clock, realizing it was very late. "You have to get to bed, Noah, or you're going to be exhausted for your game tomorrow afternoon."

"You know this is going to be the first game here you have attended as my girlfriend." He smiled, lifting me and walking us to his bed.

"This is going to be the first game that I can actually kiss you after you win. I always was dying to run to the field with the other girlfriends when you would play in high school."

"I'll have to win just to get that kiss."

"Yes, because winners only get kisses."

"We won the last game. Does that mean I get a kiss now?"

"Hmm," I hummed, putting on my best-thinking face. He laughed, tackling me on the bed, finally getting the kisses he had wanted all night.