America the Poor: A Wanderers Tale, Vol Two

Chapter 39:Some Success for one of us, my 1st True Power

After my personal eureka moment, I laid down looking out my barred window at the dim stars and very bright moon, which was full that night. Perhaps this helped my insight, since the moon's gravity affects the earth's tides, as well as every other liquid type material on the planet that can be influenced by its pull.

I had a hard time falling asleep, since I was actually excited by my own revelations, and it moved me in a strong way, it felt "right" somehow, like I had hit on a well-kept secret of the Universe. If light bulbs above heads were a real thing, mine would have been a strong spotlight. But laying there, the drugs had their final way, and I fell out for the night, but not forgetting my epiphany.

Upon awakening, late and very slow as always, I had the usual obnoxious male staff hastening my morning wakeup by the bed frame banging, and angering me of course. Mornings came way too damned soon, especially on the extreme medications I was on. I could have easily slept 20 full hours, or more, and finally found some actual rest if this was possible. Sadly, such things weren't allowed there. Too comforting obviously.

I hesitate to call these things we were given real medications, but that was the official title of them, which I denounced, to the staff, doctors, and any and all others I've ever discussed this subject with many years later. Medications are actually supposed to be to help the sick, to heal, and few of us boys actually were sick, so for me, they were drugs, plain and simple. They weren't given to us to heal, but to change us, unnaturally so, in most cases. Strange that I realized this as a tortured boy.

When I saw my compadre at breakfast, we didn't have a chance to sit together, but I nodded to him, as if to relate that I had something important to tell, and he nodded back over his tasteless coffee.

Rumors were going around that the state put saltpeter in all our food, to reduce and eliminate all of our very human libidos, especially needed due to our young ages. This was quite possible, since my young sexuality seemed quite absent during the time I was there. Strange coincidence no? Or possibly sadly true, you decide finally reading this, you who is present in my strange mind, and along for this wild journey together with me in words.

Saltpeter or no, my will was present, though my sexuality was quite gone obviously. After our sad breakfast, we were required in yet another useless uncredited and utterly redundant class, as required by New York State of course. Both Jeff and I participated, because we were required to do so, and the others sat there like complete unresponsive idiots, and maybe they were like this long before the drugs ever affected them? They refused to participate, maybe because they actually couldn't.

Maybe being too smart is a detriment in some cases. Society asks for the very ordinary, and to be well above this is a curse, not an actual gift.

How much easier would it be to sit back, comfortable, and silent and also fucking dumb, to be completely ignorant of all meaning and understanding of our existence? Seems far better, to live life in total ignorance.

I truly wish I could proclaim common simple ignorance, as the majority of humans can. It would certainly be very comfortable, and easy, but this would be something I would never be able to actually do. All my long life, I could never actually let go, and proclaim complete ignorance. Wish I could though.

How I wished I could have, and therefore this entire autobiography would never exist at all. If I had an actual choice in the matter, my stories wouldn't exist at all.

But for me, it was never an actual choice. My hand was always forced, maybe by the sentient Universe, or possibly its opponent, chaos., and so consider my writing voice something special, since it's not merely mine, but something far vaster.

Of course, proclaiming either one, according to the rational world, I'm considered quite insane and irrational.

The next day, both Jeff and myself, we attended the useless class, unwilling students both, since I had already read the prescribed works long ago, doubly so for me. My intellect is a product of the centuries, not the present times. Even then, I had all the classic works in my twisted young head, literally forever. There was actually not a single thing the official teacher John could teach me, iId read it all, going back millennia, not just mere decades. They were all present in my young head, along with the strange wisdom of centuries, since this was something I seeked out, to make my own.