To What Was Ours

running (hoseok)

'My Kookie

I don't know what to do.

Do you know that sometimes when Jimin and Taehyung breathe at the same time, it sounds just like you? And for a moment my heart pounds in my chest and I look up, hopeful - and then I remember that you're gone. And you're not coming back.

I think I accepted it first. I didn't want to. I wish I could still wake up every day and think about having to use the restroom, or groaning about the schedule, instead of instantly knowing that you've died and I am helpless to change that. I know it every second of the day. I don't know how to know anything else besides this.

This may be a good idea. I needed something like this weeks ago. I can't keep doing what I've been doing and I know this - it just hurts. It hurts worse than any pain I've ever felt. And when things hurt, I tend to panic. Then I end up in holes I can't crawl out of. Parts of the city I've never been to. In your apartment, sleeping on your bed, because I can't handle it.

It still feels like you.

I think I could write you a letter a thousand pages long. I would if I knew that you would be able to read it. But you can't. Because you're dead.

I'm sorry, I sound so harsh. I don't know what to do. I hope you can forgive me. I promise I'll try and do better - I'll write every day. Would that make you happy?

All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, Jungkook.

Hobi Hyung'

---

Rain splashed hard against the van from every direction. Above, from the cruel and merciless sky. Underneath the puddles in the road. And the sides, because Hoseok was driving too fast, and every unfortunate pond he piled through ripped upwards and smashed against the passenger windows.

His knuckles were white, gripping the steering wheel so tightly that if anything disturbed him, one small inclination would send the entire vehicle spiraling.

He pushed that thought out of his mind. The group tried to push that thought out of their minds. They clung to each other, the interior reeking of fear and anxiety, torn between begging for him to slow or to go quicker, to run past every light. He permitted only a single mantra, a single order.

Drive quicker.

Fog clouded up the windshield, limiting the intensity of the headlights. Hoseok's eyes strained to see. Rain falling so close that it was as though he was driving through a fast-paced river, submerged underwater. His GPS told him to turn right and for a moment he couldn't see the sideways street. Taehyung finally burst and screamed for Hobi to slow down, a stop sign narrowly missed. Thunder boomed; lightning struck.

And Jungkook had been driving in this. They had let him drive in this, all alone, as the gods above cursed their existence and found excitement in watching Seoul drown. Poseidon cackled while Hades opened his arms.

Drive quicker.

There was no better luck in the world that the trip to the hospital took them the opposite way from the company. If otherwise, they'd have to pass that intersection, and Hoseok didn't need the evidence. The gut feeling was clear enough. The speedometer curled, pointing to a higher and higher number. That thin red line was as worthless as words were. As the whimpers from the backseat.