Caleb's POV:
My friends had told their stories with such uncompromising honesty that I had to tell them the truth.
"Finn wasn't the first," I said into the candlelit darkness.
"What?" Brendan demanded.
"Finn was my first relationship. He was fun and complicated and everything in-between but before him there was Ian."
"What?" Brendan said again.
"Ian crushed me," I said with a sigh. I hadn't spoken about him for almost a decade.
Allen put his hand on mine and carefully squeezed it. I had bitched and moaned about Finn to Brendan for so long that this surely caught him completely by surprise.
"Ian was my best friend since the fourth grade. We were inseparable in school and always together during summer," I said, wrapping myself in my covers yet again.
"My parents couldn't afford fancy vacations so Ian and I would spend hours swimming in the river under the willow trees with our friends."
"Is this one of those 'I didn't realize but then...' situations?" Allen asked.
"Unfortunately, yes. It wasn't until much later that I knew I liked him in a different way."
"That you liked to look at him or that you 'like' liked him?" Brendan asked, finally breaking his silence.
"Ufff, I was madly in love with him," I said, finally admitting to something that I didn't even want to think about back then.
"What?" This time it was Allen who reacted in surprise. "Mister 'I don't do love' fell for his first crush?"
"Bite me," I snapped. The memory of Ian was bittersweet.
"Let him tell his story, Allen," Brendan said quietly.
"My house was the closest to the river, so Ian would come over to my place to shower after swimming."
Just talking about this brought a torrent of mixed feelings.
"Even after I came out to him, that tradition didn't change. He treated me exactly the same but for me everything had changed."
"You're shaking," Allen said, he was still holding my hand.
"Ian was the kindest and most accepting person I ever met before you guys but..."
I couldn't stop it from happening and they were going to see it.
Should I just let go?
When I started to cry, both Allen and Brendan hugged me really tight. Having them in my life had made things so much more... tolerable.
"We had seen eachother naked a million times but at some point, I started actually looking."
"Oh, fuck," Brendan said.
"I didn't know how he felt about me but he was so accepting that I thought... maybe..."
Silence. Nobody said a word.
"We were in my room wearing nothing but towels one day, when I finally scraped up the courage to put a hand on his chest and ask, 'Can I kiss you?' He stared at me for what seemed like forever."
The candles were starting to die and I could hardly see anyone's expression. I was sure, however, that they were holding their breaths.
"Ian said, 'No, Caleb. You are my friend and I love you... but I can't ever give you more than that.' Things got awkward for me after that but not for him. I was his friend and he said that I could always count on that."
"That was a very kind and easy letdown, love," Allen said.
"Yes, but it still hurt like hell," I said, almost about to cry again.
I had made myself very vulnerable in front of my friends and I needed an escape. So, I did what I always did... divert.
"Finn was an amazing fuck!" I said, breaking the silence that I had created. "There was a first time, a second, a third and then we started getting it right."
"Here we go again," Brendan said with a sigh. "Sometimes, I feel like I was in a relationship with Finn!"
"He had a thing for spanking. At first, I really had to get used to him fucking me hard against my freshly paddled, burning bum."
"Maybe, you let him do it because you were afraid of being rejected again," Allen said, stating the obvious.
"Fuck, dude! I never thought about it that way!" I said, sarcastically. "Ofcourse, I was scared of being rejected. I let Finn..."
Holy fuck, it almost slipped out.
"You let him do what?" Brendan demanded.
"Nothing," I said. "It's not important, Finn is in the past."
"You know that I'll make you tell me at some point!" Brendan said, sounding deadly serious.
Ok, time to divert again.
"I have a proposal," I said, tapping my bottom lip. "We're young, we're hot and we've all had our boy trouble. Why don't we turn the tables for once?"
"What are you suggesting?" Allen asked, sounding dubious.
"From now on, no more Grahams, Hunters, Ians or Finns taking charge. We decide who we fuck and when. Exclusively hookups, no more complicated relationships."
"I don't know, I like to get to know a person first," Allen said.
"Dude, they have the compulsory three dates with you, then fuck you and never call back. Save yourself three nights and use them to fuck other people."
"It's not a bad idea," Brendan said. "I'm tired of having to carry people's baggage, especially when I'm not even that into them."
"That's the spirit!" I said before adding. "This will be our SHQ; Sex & Head Quarters. For safety, we shouldn't go to their places."
"Can I bring home the cute barrista from the coffee place at the end of the park?" Allen asked.
"As long as it's a one time deal," I replied, excited about my new plan. "Vidi, Fucki, Veni. I saw, I fucked, I came."
"... and then never saw again," Brendan added with a chuckle.
"Deal?" I asked.
"Deal!" They both proclaimed in unison.
