Last First Date

Part 6. Back to what we've had

- So, erm- I saw Kyle on Friday - I started the dialogue
- Oh, really? How's she doing? I haven't seen her for a while now
- Well, she's fine erm, we haven't talked a lot about her, actually - I gulped realising there's no way out anymore and we're having that very conversation, so it's now or never
- Oh, what have you discussed then? - Noah seemed quite curious but I thought he comprehended what exactly we could have talked about 
- Well, we talked about us and about you, mostly - I was trying not to be that obvious still it was difficult, because in reality "how Noah has broken my heart" was the only topic we managed to discuss that day

- Oh, I see, maybe it's our time to do the same, what do you think? I'm pretty tired of running from the truth and from myself as well - his tone was serious and full of concern
- Yes, I think so, I also don't like it all. You know, at first, I thought it was just as usual, I thought that our break up was a bit too painful, but still I didn't attache much importance to it, at least I really tried not to, but then.. - I took some time to come up with the right words and to calm down a bit, because the moment was really nerve-racking. The fact we were running from each other for months and could't have a proper talk, it was insane

- You know why I left?
- I don't. We never discussed that and I thought I didn't want to know
- Do you want to know now?
- I do, Noah, cause I can continue to lie to myself forever about how I don't care but the awful truth is that I do! I do fucking care and I do fucking want to know, because I still really, really...like you and miss you as well — he looked straight to my eyes smiling widely, his hand landed to my own as he answered
- I still like you, too and I- well, it's difficult to admit it, but I guess I have to explain myself to make it all clear - he sighed heavily, closing his eyes

- It's ok, take your time
- Well, I think that I never stopped liking you - my eyebrows raised involuntarily - I just was really scared, cause you know, after mum's death I never thought I could feel anything ever again, it was so hard to continue to live without her, she was my whole world, we were so close and then she died. I started to drink a lot to cope with all the weight that I got on my back. I can see that it wasn't a good decision, I know it was the worst way to deal with the problem but back then I was absolutely drained, I couldn't think straight - he stopped, collecting thoughts. I knew that his mum's death affected him a lot, I knew how much he loved her, even though I'd never met her

- I'm so sorry, love. I know she meant a lot for you, but you don't have to blame yourself, you were too young to know how to behave and you were alone, no one were there to have your back

- Thank you, Ollie, I think your kind and compassionate heart is one of the reasons I fell for you - my heart skipped a bit on the confession, I couldn't believe I heard those words from him

- So, you know when we met, at first it wasn't serious. We were fun and I liked you, but the more time we spent together the more my affection became. I was so scared, because the only person I ever truly loved was gone and it broke me in the worst way. I didn't want to ever experience that again. So, I thought if I would break everything before I got even more attached it wouldn't hurt that much. However, I was so wrong, because I was so fucking in love, even though I couldn't see that and it all broke me even worse, because I was the one who ruined everything good that we had - I stared at him in complete disbelief. I could imagine many reasons for him to end our relationship but I never thought that deeply. My heart pounded fast against my chest, Noah has just said he was in love with me, well, he had been in love but it still sent tangles all over my body. Noah's hand still laid above mine and I took it with my both hands kissing the top of the palm slightly

- All of this is so overwhelming - I confessed simply not knowing how to express everything I felt. It was the actual fire within me, i couldn't breathe properly -  ohhh, shit, why is it that difficult?

- It's alright, Ollie. I don't force you to say or do anything, I just really wanted you to know how I felt and why exactly I did it. I'm sorry- Noah looked at me sadly, I could tell he was genuinely sorry, which made me want to wrap him in my hands even more. He was too adorable to handle

- You did brake my heart, but I could never be mad at you, really. I missed everything we had so badly and it pissed me off when I couldn't get you out of my head again and again. When I met Kyle and she told me what state you were in, I got pretty scared, you know. It was the moment I accepted I cared for you and what we'd been through. I'm so sorry I didn't notice you needed help, I could never forgive myself for being so arrogant, for not protecting you — I stood up from the table, Noah did the same and we met in the middle leaning into a tight hug. I started to slowly stroke his back, our hearts beat against each other and I was so delighted we had finally spoken our minds up

- You don't have to be sorry, you saved me at the end, without you I would never make it out alive, Olly

I look at him trying not to cry and preventing myself from tighten my grip in order not to suffocate him. Noah carefully moved his hands on my face, cupping it and kissing my lips gently. I probably would never get used to kissing him again. It was my favourite filling to be near him, to touch his skin and kiss his lips. I would never get bored by talking to him about any nonsense he came up with, just listening to his voice was my favourite part of every conversation. I placed my hands on his waist pulling him closer as it was possible and breaking the kiss, though it was the last thing I wanted to do, we really needed to catch our breath

- Noah
- Yup
- Would you like potentially, maybe, one day to go for another one date?

- Well, I think I'd love it - he winked- but, unfortunately, there's none who wants to take me for a date - he greened coyly after exaggerated sigh and I smiled pecking his lips
- I hate you
- I thought you told me you liked me several minutes ago - he pouted his lips as if he pondered my words
- I did, actually, but you make it difficult to like you, especially when you're making stupid jokes while I'm trying my best to ask you out for a date
- Oh, so you wanted to ask me out? When? - he made a curious face trying to hide a smile. I poked his side while saying
- Well, I don't think it matters anymore, so never-mind - I turned my face away from him
- Oh, such a pity - he sighed
- Why? - I faced him again wondering and trying not to seem too interested
- Well, because if you had asked me out I would have definitely agreed, but as I can see it, there's nothing we could change anymore, soooo- he looked at me with a sly smile
- Oh, then-erm maybe you still want to go on a date? With ME, not in general - I purposely emphasise the pronouns
- I'd love to, Ollie, really - he smiled kissing me again, deeply this time, wrapping his hand around my waist and shivers covered my skin as we continued to snog