Counting 19

Boyfriends and Distance

I had a few boyfriends over the years in secondary school, most of them were a year older than me and had started as good friends. Some would last a few weeks some would last a few months i had two major relationships both of them were on and off. The first of the two major relationships was Connor we had been friends since i had started school we started a band (not that i was any good at anything musical, i liked to sing but wasn't any good) we are both massive nerds, we are still good friends now even after all these years. I can honestly say he was the first boy i felt love for looking back now I can say I wasn't in love with him bur i was as close as you can be without being in love. We broke up 4 times each time it was me that broke up with him. I had a lot going on with my mental health and often found myself doubting myself and pushing people away Connor included. So if you ever read this I want to say sorry from my younger self I was quite a mess back then now I know why I couldn't stay with you I had some pretty bad abandonment issues and would leave before you had a chance to leave first.

My second big relationship was long distance. Callum, we had a few mutual friends we met online though our friends Becca being one of them we had a mutual hatred for one girl (his ex turned out to be the one person who bullied me the most). He lives in swindon I live in Cornwall on a good day it would take three hours to travel from home to swindon we was on and off for at two years. I think it was the distance that we struggled with we could only see each other on the school holidays sometimes it would only be one day that we could see each other sometimes it was every day that I was in swindon. We had made plans for the future but clearly it wouldn't have worked I had and still have too much in Cornwall to give up and move back to swindon. We would breakup every couple of weeks not talk for a couple of weeks then get back together it was a never ending cycle. My friends often got angry with me for saying yes to going back to you after you broke my heart every time. I was blind and for the first time I was generally in love. Real love makes you do stupid things sometimes it works out for you and other times it can lead to a rather toxic relationship. The second to last time we broke up was the longest we had gone before getting back together i had gone though something no 15 year old should have to go though and i felt vulnerable i felt that i needed a sense of familiarity thats why I said yes that last time only to realise that i had made a mistake I shouldn't have said yes it wasn't fair on you or me. The last time we broke up it was me that ended it i broke the toxic cycle we was in. You said you was sorry you finally knew how it felt you tried to get me to change my mind we didn't end on a good note. I forgave you years ago for the way things were in our relationship i hope you forgave me and yourself too.
Mine and Callums relationship is the only one where i had not kept in contact or remained friends with my ex. We met up a few years ago when i was visiting swindon i was walking though his road after dropping my niece off to school. I figured whats the harm the worst that can happen is that he will shut the door in my face. So I knocked on his door and he opened the door a bit confused to see me, he invited me in after i asked if we could talk. We reminisced and joked about the random thing we got up to when we was younger, we got closure.

Thats something I think is really important, if you don't get closure you cant move on from things. The next thing I want to talk about is something iv never had closure for, I never had justice. And it still effects me today 8 years down the line this next part is the events that no 15 year old should have to go though.