It's Not Love! 18+ (GirlxGirl)

Chapter 10

"Tess..." I say, her weary 'Alex' tone echoing through me now, contagious resignation. 

"I don't even know why I brought that up," she retracts quickly. "Forget I said anything."

I can't forget it though. Even though I don't grow a 'normal' attachment to people I have romantic relationship with, I never want to hurt them. I have no trouble telling someone that I don't want to be with them, and in hindsight I guess the way I can say it can be... abrupt, but I never set out to damage them. It's not love, not with anyone, and Tess has been hurt by that... hurt by me.

"I wish I could go back in time."

"Why?" she asks rhetorically. "We weren't ever going to last, even if we became a thing."

"No, I know that, but I'd do it all differently. I wasn't very sensitive to your feelings." I pull myself back to my feet, brush the dirt from my legs and continue to walk along the street.

"That's history now, we're okay." She pauses. "How are you going?" Asking the question she initially came to me with.

I contemplate telling her about my latest injury, courtesy of Michael's power. It aches as I walk, a glowing ember of pain which by tonight I can tell will be a fully fledged wildfire. I wish to unburden all my fears and pain onto her, I want to tell her what I've told Taylor because just telling one person isn't enough. I need to rant until it's off my chest. Only I can't tell her because I can't let her get hurt by anything caused by me, again. 

I laugh a weak laugh. "I'm fine. My new boss is a dick, though," I joke.

She laughs a little and then sighs. "You'll call me in a week, I want to hear from you more."

I nod. "I will."

"You promise?"

"I promise, Tess."

She pauses again. "I don't hold it against you, you know."

Maybe we could have been good together, maybe we would have retired to Montana and become reclusive, but it wasn't what I wanted in that moment and she knows. I don't reply with words, but I hmm my acknowledgement, words seem too ostentatious on my behalf.

"Hey," she blurts out perkily, "are you going to that retreat in the desert next weekend? Everyone with a name is at it. Oh... who's house is it at?... it's on the tip of my tongue."

"Leo," I answer. "Yeah, I'll be there, everyone at that loves drugs."

She huffs a laughs. "Well, I'll see you there."

"You will."

"You'll say hi to me?" she teases.

"Of course. You're the only person I'll hang out with."

She laughs again, aloud this time. "Please call me more. You never answer mine."

"I will. And I'll do better to answer."

We say our goodbyes and the line between us is cut by my finger. Silence resumes in my head after we hang up, around me the world quietly fills with light. People would be dozing sleepily in beds right now, trying to wake themselves up for their day. Tessa and I would always wait until the last second possible before getting out of bed, laziness mixed with desire. The streets around me are unrecognisable, but I continue to walk in aim to reach one that helps me gather my bearings. I could easily pull out my phone and see where I am, then call an uber (although my ratings are horrible after the last ride I took), but I don't want to be pulled out of my thoughts. It's meditation for me to walk along and reflect on Tess and I, maybe we should have stayed together. There was passion, there was content, it wasn't boring, I just... I didn't want it to be the end, I didn't want my answer to have come so early in life. I didn't love her, and deep down, I don't think she loved me either.