It's Not Love! 18+ (GirlxGirl)

Amandla

Author's Note: Amandla Stenberg identifies as non-binary and uses she/they pronouns. One day I hope it gets to the stage where this kind of note doesn't have to be made.

Taylor stands with one hand holding the elbow of the other, propping it up so that her wineglass sits resting against her clavicle. She watches me absentmindedly as someone, he looks familiar but I can't remember the name, talks to her. From my place at the grazing table, I can just about see everyone at the party. We're all spread between the pool, pool decking and 'pool shed', the grandeur of which outranks most kitchen/dining rooms I've seen. It's basically the size of a small church and fitted out with a polished marble kitchen, white tiles and windows acting as walls.

Begrudgedly, I brought my backpack. I can't afford to drop off the radar and lose business, I need to keep my name on the tip of everyone's tongues - quite literally. As soon as I arrived, Taylor was whisked away from me and people begun to approach, cash in hand to do a swap. It's odd, but I felt comfortable slipping back into the swing of it despite how closely related death is to my profession. The feeling of the glossy plastic being replaced by the rasp of a grainy note excites the part of my brain that still thinks that I need to do it. I suppose I do, my saving is due a top up. 

Someone japes a finger into my ribs, the shock of it flips a prawn from my plate and into the punch, and I flick my head around to see the culprit laughing at their destruction. I smile with her, fishing out the crustacean from it's dip in the alcohol.

"It's just you, birthday girl," I sigh, flinging the drenched prawn back onto my plate.

Ella smiles at me, her pupils the size of 5 cents coins. Her summer dress falls off her slack shoulders and she radiates the epitome of youth and relaxation. Slowly, she reaches up to my face and presses her palm to my cheek. "Where have you been?" her voice floats out to me. 

She is a vision. A dream. When I look into her eyes I feel the heavy weight of living cascade off me, she has this effect on me where I forget there are other people in the world. But I don't rely on her like I do other, I wouldn't tell her outright what's been happening, even if she were sober I wouldn't, it's just not like that with us. With Saorise, and Taylor and even Jodie I guess, it's different. Ella is who I call when I want to talk about the world, but I wouldn't want to tell her about my involvement inside of the world. I get this micro of a feeling that she'd react either selfishly or too caring, and I don't want to even allow the chance of getting the ick with her. 

I smile at her. "Around." I turn my face away from her palm and continue collecting food. "I thought you said you'd have cheesecake?" I ponder aloud whilst scanning for it.

"No. I decided... no." She's turned her gaze out to the pool, I follow her gaze. "You're quiet."

"Am I not usually?" I ask, questioning if maybe I am more rambunctious than usual. A puncture lung might do that to you. 

"Where's... you were bringing a girl?"

She means Jodie. "Couldn't make it." 

She turns to me, smile fixed back in place. "You are one of the best people I've ever met." And then she flits off out onto the deck where people celebrateher presence with whoops and woos. 

I stare off after her, wanting to tell her to 'shut up' in a fond kind of way. No one has ever said something like that to me. I don't believe it for a second, but it's nice to think that Lorde, albeit high, thinks that I'm one of the best. 

I repeat her words to myself as I wander over to a secluded corner and begin eating on a winged armchair beneath standing lamp. I must look like a feature in the corner, an odd show piece Ella has hired for her party. With my backpack sitting at my feet, I know the traffic will become heavy when word gets about and sure enough, within moments, my plate rests on my lap while I deal.