mi amor, b.e imagines ∘˚˳° ♡

lost to suicide

i walked towards her grave as i read the writing on it over and over again. billie eilish pirate baird o'connell, 2001-2018. i placed the flowers down as i saw her picture on the stone. "i miss you baby." i whispered. billie committed suicide, i found her on the bathroom floor with a knife in her hand and a hole in her stomach. "why baby ? i wish i could've known how you were feeling, i wish you were still here with me." i still can't believe she's gone.

"we'll be closer together soon angel, i promise."

i looked down at my hand, i wear her promise ring around my finger alone with her wedding ring. i was supposed to give it to her but unfortunately the day i was supposed to give it to her was the day she committed.

i always feel like there's a missing part of me. i know there's a missing part of me. "shark misses you too." i said. "mama maggie misses you too. patty tries not to make it seem like he's crying but .. he can't control it. fin misses you a bunch, claudia does too." i took a deep breath. "and i miss you too baby ..." i wiped my tears. "and don't think i forgot about pepper." i laughed. "pepper and shark are inseparable, they can't stop being around each other. i found them both crying next to each other."

"i miss your laugh, your smile, your awful but funny dad jokes." i chuckled. i looked at her grave and my eyes started to fill up with tears. i couldn't help but break down. "i miss you billie ! i miss you so much ! come back please ! i'll do anything just so i can have you back !" i lied down next to her grave. "c- come back baby .. i m- miss you." i looked up at the sky. "r- remember when we would look at the c- clouds baby ?"

i smiled at the memories. "you remember our first date ?" i asked. "you looked so pretty in that dress." i wiped my tears only for them to be replaced with new ones. "i love you billie." seeing her grave just breaks me. "you know when we talked about our wedding ? and how you told me all the things you wanted at the wedding ?" i said.

"it's- it's not the same without you billie." i said. "i can't sleep knowing your not gonna be there anymore." i wiped my eyes. "i- i haven't slept in weeks i need you h- here."

my mind goes back to the image i saw when i first walked into that bathroom. i can never look at that bathroom the same anymore. i keep that door closed and i don't go in there.

but that specific image. all the blood, her lifeless body, that knife in her hand, and the hole in her stomach gushing out blood.

i covered my face as i cried into my hands at the thought of the image.

i looked up to see it was getting dark. i turned to the grave stone to say bye.

"bye baby, i'll come back tomorrow okay ? i promise i will. i've got to go back home. i love you."

i got up and started to walk towards my car. i unlocked it and got in and started the car. i started driving home when i stopped a red light. i turned to my right to see a couple sitting on a bench hugging each other while kissing.

i felt my eyes water but then the light turned green and i make a turn to go home. i stoped in front of the house and went inside.

i laid down on the bed as i started looking at pictures of billie on my phone. there was a photo the morning the day she committed. we were laying down with her head on my chest and me kissing her head.

i threw my phone on the floor and hugged billie's favorite stuffed animal which was the first gift i ever gave her which she liked to call our child.

i cried my eyes out the whole night.

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4 years later

"y/n it's been 4 years you have to move on." my friend said. "you can say that all you want and im still not gonna do it."

"fine then die single." she scoffed. "i might as well die right now." i told her in all seriousness.

"stop being so fucking depressed." she told me. "oh im sorry you didn't lose your partner you dated since you were 13 to suicide just at the age of 17 !" i yelled.

"4 fucking years we we're together today would've been 8 years but you know why it's not ?! because i fucking lost her ! i lost the love of my life and your trying to tell me to 'move on' ?!"

"y/n she would've wanted you to move on !" she screamed back. "well i fucking can't ! i fucking can't i don't remember the last time i fucking slept ! i didn't sleep for weeks when she first passed !" i yelled.

"y/n  she passed in 2018 it's 2022 do you know how long it's been ? really long." she said.

i covered my mouth. "oh my god really ? well no fucking shit !" i said. "y/n all im saying is you should try dating" she said. "well shit looks like im dating Casper cuz ain't no way in hell im dating someone else." i said.

"im setting you up on a date." she told me. "no you ain't." i said. "watch me."

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1 week later

i heard a knock at my door and i went to open it. as i opened it i saw my friend and a girl next to her. "who's this ? you finally get a girlfriend ?" i asked.

"no this is your date." she said. i looked at her as if she was fucking messed up in the head.

"date ? bitch i clearly told you i don't wanna date !" i said. "y/n you need to get off her she passed away 4 years ago !" she screamed.

"does it fucking look like i give a shit ?! cuz i don't ! get that straight  ! i am not dating anymore !" i yelled.

i slammed the door shut and went to the bedroom. i lied down as i felt tears in my eyes. "im so fucking done !" i screamed.

"calm down y/n."

i stood up from the bed. "who the fuck ?! bitch if your gonna kill me do it now i don't wanna be here but don't touch my shit i'll haunt you !"

"y/n it's me, billie."

i looked around and saw no one. "billie ? Billie where are you ?" i looked around not seeing anyone so i tried to find my glasses until someone out them on. i blinked a couple times until i saw her.

i immediately hugged her and she hugged me back. i cried into her shoulder as i held her tight. she rubbed my back while telling me sweet things.

"don't cry anymore baby it's okay, im here." she whispered. i pulled away from her wiping my face as i continued crying. "i- i missed you so much." i told her. "i know you did love, i missed you too." she told me.

"i watched over you every single day." she said. i looked at her and her hair was a beautiful black color and it wasn't blue anymore. "your hair." i told her.

"you like it ? they let me choose how i want my hair since i was so sad watching you cry." she told me.

"i dyed it black with green roots and then blonde and now black, i brought some pictures to show you !" she smiled.

she showed me all of them and i couldn't stop staring at her with blonde hair. "wow .. your an angel." i said. "your so beautiful." i told her.

"are you staying with me forever ?" i asked.

"well why do you think i showed up today." she smiled. "y- your staying ?!" she nodded. i hugged her.

she hugged me back while giggling. oh i missed that sound so much.

"y/n, um .. im sorry for leaving you like that. and im sorry that you had to find me in the bathroom like that. i should've just told you how i was feeling."

"billie please don't apologize for your feelings. all that i care about is that your here with me baby. and your staying, all i needed was you."

she kissed me and i immediately melted into the kiss. we lied down on the bed cuddling with her head on my chest. her favorite, she loved the feeling of being close to me she told me that often.

"i love you billie."

"i love you y/n."

im so happy your back with me my love.