Love Like That | j. green

019

"It's heavy," Noelani simply nodded and Anela gave her daughter a blank stare, "'Heavy.' Hmm. Interesting."

"Well, it is! I mean, look at it. Isn't it a little much?" Noelani replied.

Anela slowly raised her eyes from the jewelry to Noelani's face, "What's going on, Noel?"

Noelani paused at the question, "I..."

She didn't want to say it. Saying it would make it real and once it was real, Noelani would be forced to confront it.

"When you..." Noelani paused once more, trying to articulate the best way she could, "When you and dad were engaged... Did you feel like you were losing yourself? Like who you were before you and dad got together?"

Anela sighed, "I'm gonna be honest, I'm so tired of talking about that man. I thought when you turned eighteen, I could completely erase him but then you got pregnant so... Here we are. But to answer your question... No. I was completely sure. But cold feet is normal."

Noelani rose unsteadily from the rocking chair, "But that's the thing. I don't think that this is cold feet. I was feeling like this before he proposed and I tried and tried to get rid of this feeling but I can't."

"A feeling?" Anela prompted.

"Just... It's just this feeling that..." Noelani wrung her hands, "That my life wasn't supposed to go like this, you know? I wasn't supposed to be tied down this soon. I'm only twenty three but I'm living like I'm forty! I don't go out anymore, I don't live near the beach... Shit! I haven't surfed in almost two years. I get so close and then something big happens. 'Oh, you can't surf, Jalen wants you to move in with him! You can't surf, you're pregnant! You can't be free, you're in a relationship!'"

"So, you wanna break up with him? You don't wanna be with Jalen anymore?" Anela had replaced Noelani in the rocking chair, her expression chock full of concern.

"No," Noelani moaned a little, "That's not it. I love him, I don't wanna break up but fuck! I already feel like I'm stuck and getting married is just a piece of paper that's gonna make it worse. I saw what it did to you and dad."

"Noel..." Anela looked down at her palms at the mention of her ex-husband but Noelani continued her word vomit, unable to stop now that the gates had opened, "I have ocean water in my veins. Being in one place for too long isn't who I am. I can't stay still and marriage would need me to stay still and I can't do that, mom."

Anela cleared her throat, "Noel."

"I can't do that! This ring is heavy and my feet feel heavy and I see me in like an apron baking pies and other dumb shit like that for Jalen. Walking down the aisle, shit, even thinking about walking down the aisle gives me agita. I can't do this. I can't get married, mom. It freaks me out! I wanna be free!"

"Noelani!" Anela barked then jerked her head towards the door behind her.

Noelani whirled around to see Jalen resting against the now open doorway, Alani's car seat in his hand and a wounded air about him.

"You..." He shook his head, "You don't wanna marry me?"

Noelani's tongue had grown thick in that moment, too thick to respond properly, "I... Lovebug-."

"Got it." Jalen gently placed the car seat onto the floor, "Thanks for being honest with me."

Then he turned and headed down the hall.

Noelani immediately followed him, "Jalen! Jalen, you didn't hear the whole thing! I-."

He stopped his stride a few inches away from the headboard, "I heard enough. Why'd you even say yes if this was the way you felt?"

"Because if I said no, we would've been over and I don't want that!" Noelani had to blink to keep the tears out of her irises.

"And what do you think we can do now, huh? How am I supposed to sleep next to you knowing you don't wanna take the next step?" Jalen demanded.

"I- I don't know. I just... I didn't wanna hurt you." She stammered.

Jalen didn't look at her, turning his gaze to the ceiling before sitting on the edge of the bed, "You can't marry me and I can't continue with just dating." His tone was calm now, and it frightened her a little, "So what do we do now?"

"We talk it out, that's what we do." Noelani replied in a desperate tone, "I'm sure we can-."

"Nah," He rose, his facial features serene, "You go be free if that's what you want, Noelani."

"Jalen," She attempted to grasp his bare arm but the man easily slipped out of her grip, stampeded down the stairs and slammed the front door closed, "Jalen!"

"No... No..." Noelani half sobbed half whispered to herself as her knees buckled, "Fuck."

"What did I just do?"

NOTE FROM KY
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