Harper & Lee Plus Three

An Impossible Choice

Day forty. Zozo had officially been in treatment for T-cell Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia, or ALL, for forty days. I was pushing myself to my absolute limit, but most of the time I was here with Zozo instead of my babies, except for Phoenix, of course, who was right upstairs in the NICU still.

    "Zozo, can you wave to everyone?" I asked, holding my phone up to her. She had a big pink headband with a flower on it that was covering up most of her bald head. She smiled and waved. "Can you tell everyone what today is, what you're having done?"

    "More chemo," she said, pointing to the catheter coming out of her chest.

    "And you're getting some new medicine because your cancer is still here, after your first treatment. But it's gonna work this time, right?" I asked.

    "Yup," she said, nodding. "I want the present!"

    "Oh this?" I said, holding the box up to my phone. "Zozo is getting a special present today, so she can stay happy and strong to get through more of her treatment." I handed the box to her and she tore it open. Her jaw dropped. "What is it, Zozo?"

    "A doll! A big doll!" She yelled, opening the box and taking it out. "She has no hair! Does she have cancer too, Mommy?"

    I paused, looking for an answer. I thought she'd just be over the moon for the special American Girl doll I got her. I didn't think she'd start asking questions.

    "Well...I guess that's up to you!" I said. "Anyway, thank you guys again for all the love and support. We appreciate your thoughts, prayers, and donations so, so much. I seriously can't thank you guys enough. We'll be back tomorrow with another video. But until then—"

    "Bye! See you next time!" Zozo said.

    I ended the video and posted it on our official Facebook page. The comments were rolling in almost immediately. I didn't look. I wasn't doing this for attention. I was just trying to keep our fans and followers updated, along with getting donations for Zozo.

Even with our MTV money and Lee's salary, between all our NICU stays, Phoenix's recent surgery to close the hole in his heart, and now Zozo's treatments, our medical bills were in the millions. We just didn't have enough to cover it. I needed to do what I could for my nine kids.

"Zozo, Mommy has to go upstairs and see baby Phoenix today before he goes home tomorrow. I'll be back in a little bit," I said. I kissed the top of her head. "I love you."

"Love you too, Mommy," she said, way, way too busy with her new doll.

I left the room and took the elevator upstairs to the NICU. The room I went to was full of crying babies in cribs. A nurse brought me over to the one with Phoenix's name on it. It was so crazy that I could just pick him up. He wasn't in an incubator or hooked up to oxygen anymore. I couldn't believe it.

I sat in a nearby rocking chair and gave him the bottle a nurse brought me. He'd gotten so, so big. His light brown, curly hair was everywhere, and he had big, bright blue eyes, just like Wren and his two older sisters. Those two were the only ones of the sextuplets that had blue eyes.

Right as I started burping Phoenix, I gasped. Lee, panting and out of breath, was standing in the doorway. He ran over to me and sat down, choking out words before finally saying, "You won't believe this!"

"Believe what? What are you even doing here? You're supposed to be at work!" I said.

"I had to tell you this in person," he said, taking a few breaths.

"What? Just spit it out already if it's so important!"

"Saint Jude."

"What about Saint Jude?"

"One of our fans works there. She called me to tell me that they made a spot for Zozo."

"You're kidding."

"It's legit. I spoke with patient advocates, a doctor, and a housing coordinator. Everyone. They have a new clinical trial that's been working for T-cell ALL. We need to try it."

I shook my head. "No. No way. I can't go to Memphis when Phoenix is finally coming home tomorrow. I can't leave my kids, Lee! It's a great opportunity, but we...we can't."

"My parents said they can watch the kids more to help out your family. Harper, please, please think about this. She was supposed to go into remission after her first cycle of chemo. It didn't work. This clinical trial could be the difference between life and—"

"I'll go. I'll take her!" I said.

Lee was quiet. I hugged Phoenix a little tighter. Lee used some nearby hand sanitizer and held out his arms. I passed Phoenix over. He held his free hand in mine and squeezed it tight.

"I'll miss you, but we both know this is best," he said.

"I just...I'll be totally without my family. Without anyone. But I know this will keep some of the bills down too. We gotta do it. I'm just...scared."

"You can do this. I know you can. You had triplets at only seventeen. You lived though having six babies at nineteen. I'll come visit whenever I can," Lee said. "I'm sure your family will, too."

"But what if I'm gone like, a really long time?"

"I'll text you the number the lady gave me. There's people there that can answer all of your questions. They answered a lot of mine," he said, taking a breath. "With the new van, maybe we can even find a way to bring the babies too."

I quickly took out my phone and Googled "Oak Falls to Memphis by car." My eyes were about to pop out of my head.

"It's nineteen hours! You can't put all those babies in the car for nineteen hours! I'd have to take flights home to see them."

"We'll figure it out. I know we will," Lee said.

I looked at Lee and little Phoenix. Just when I could finally have him home and in my arms, I was being ripped away. I thought about all my kids. Would they miss me? Would the babies even realize I was gone? They smiled at me. Of course they would. They knew their Mommy. They'd have to realize I was gone.

Then I thought about Zozo. How Doctor Andrew's told me it was concerning that her cancer wasn't responding to the first treatment. I needed her to live. I couldn't lose one of my babies. My miscarriage took such a toll on me. There was no way I could handle it again. This was going to feel impossible, but we had to do it. We were going to Saint Jude in Memphis.