22 | journal entry: i ask myself, too

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Journal,

Listening was never something I am great at.

When Taehyun told me to stop doing these schedules, I pretended like I forgot what he said; when my father asked me for chocolate ice cream, I got him mint chocolate; and when Soobin told me that Beomgyu and I need to talk, I just stopped entirely.

I don't understand why I find things difficult when it's the most natural thing humans do—communicating is a part of us, a connection, like the pouring rain we can't escape.

So, why did I have to shut everything out if all I needed to do was to open up?

Beomgyu stopped calling me, he stopped messaging me altogether. He never appeared in front of my door even though he knew where to knock, nor did he try to find me in the small ocean of students in my class—I can almost hear you say "isn't this what you always wanted?"

Well, I ask myself, too.

If what I want is really what I want or if I truly just wanted something I thought I could never have... when it rained today, I wanted it to stop.

But we can't have everything we want, can we?

All my love,

Kai

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