Reaching Out | Bucky Barnes

31 | Thursday, August 13th, 2020

"And cat's," he adds.

I smile and pull my attention down to the hem of my sweater. "Yah, and cats. But... being around you and the team, it showed me how my abilities aren't something that need to be hidden. That I don't have to be hidden. That the life my parents prepared me for wasn't the only possibility. And now..."

"And now?"

"Now, I feel like I've had one more thing taken out of my control. My choice was taken away. And it doesn't just impact me. If Hydra raises those babies, they won't have a choice in their lives. They'll be raised to be weapons, not humans, and that's not fair. None of it is fair," I say, trying to keep my voice from wavering.

Bucky reaches over and threads his fingers through mine. "I'm sorry," he whispers.

I shake my head. "It's fine. I'm just tried. I'll be fine," I smile over to him.

"Didn't we agree to not invalidating your feelings?"

"Who's invalidating?" I ask with a small smile. Bucky sends me a flat look and I huff. "Fine. Sorry. I just—I don't know. I don't know to feel. About any of this. I've been back, what? Less than twenty-four hours? It doesn't feel real... I'm back, I'm safe... yet I keep having these waves of absolute dread that wash over me and I just want them to stop. I should feel relieved, but I don't... I don't know how to deal with the fact that I was gone for a year. Most of which I can't remember. I don't know what they did to me, and I'm terrified."

"I know, doll, I know. But you can't just push those feelings down. You'll drown," he whispers.

I nod. "I know..." I say quietly.

He smiles gently and pulls our interlaced hands up and places a kiss against my knuckles.

A knock pulls my attention towards the door, and it opens to who I assume is Doctor Jefferson. I straighten again and Bucky lets go of my hand turning to face the doctor.

"Hello, Y/N, it's good to meet you, I'm Doctor Jefferson," the elder woman greets, looking from me to Bucky. "Hello young man. I think you're in my spot."

"Young man," Bucky whispers and lets out an airy laugh before standing and leaning against the exam table to my left.

"Now, Y/N. I was filled in on some of the details of what happened, and I am very sorry. What you have gone through must be extremely difficult, but I hope I can help you with any questions you may have. We will go through some of your history and some questions before we do the exam and tests, does that sound alright?"

"Yah, that's fine," I smile, forcing myself to focus on her, rather than what I was just saying.

"Before we get started, I'm going to have to ask you to leave," she says looking over to Bucky.

"No—I, could he stay?"

"This is rather personal information, there are privacy issues," she explains.

"He's my—partner," I blurt. "Please let him stay."

I beg that my face isn't as red as it feels.

"Alright... he can stay until we do the exam."

I feel my shoulders relax. "Thank you," I smile.

"Let me grab a chair from the hallway, that way you don't need to stand," she says, standing from her seat.

"Oh, no it's alright. You sit, I'll go find one," Bucky says, pushing off the table.

"There's a few just around the corner to the left," she says before he slips from the door. "Handsome fellow," Doctor Jefferson smirks at me.