The Apathetic Mage Loves Cats

Chapter 24.5: Mothers

Caiden, the entire time, wandered about, his hand brushing ever so slightly against petals, leaves, and brush on the trees and bushes of the garden. I couldn't find it within myself to interrupt his thought process as he wandered around, which was why I trailed after him in silence. Even as my feet ached, and my back started to hurt from the slow pace we were walking at, I knew that he needed this. And because of that, I allowed myself to slowly follow after him and watch our surroundings so that he wouldn't be interrupted by anything that was happening around us.

We finally arrived at a clearing with a three-tiered fountain in the middle, one that you would typically see in movies or shows. Caiden froze at the entrance to the clearing for less than a second before proceeding on. He sat on the lip of the fountain and slightly allowed his body to get close to the water so that the backs of his fingertips brushed the surface. I walked over to him and sat beside him, letting the mist that came from the water to spray against my back and cool my neck.

The silence continued, allowing the gentle noise of flowing water from the fountain to surround us. However, we didn't sit there for long before Caiden spoke up once more, suddenly throwing me out of my own mental headspace.

"The last time I saw my mother was over there." He pointed half-heartedly as if he didn't really seem to care about the issue, but something in my voice told me that he did truly care. I glanced over at the forest, in the general direction where he was pointing. It looked very typical, just a forest with trees that gently swayed with the slight warm breeze. However, looks can be deceiving.

"What happened?" The question was simple and open-ended. I didn't want him to think that he had to talk about his mother, about the incident, or about himself if he didn't want to. But I also knew that he wouldn't have brought up the incident if he didn't truly want to discuss it, or at least mention it to get it off his chest. I wouldn't really care either way, but if it helped get him into a sound state of mind that allowed us to get back to work, then I would be willing to do anything.

Caiden continued to play in the water, his eyes seemingly unfocused on its surface as he dipped his hand and moved it gently, creating ripples in the otherwise smooth surface.

"She betrayed me. Betrayed the little kid that I used to be and placed me into a hellish situation that I wasn't able to get out of for years. My body, spirit, and mind were broken from her one seemingly small act." Caiden sounded not quite angry, but a mix of anger and sorrow, as if he was angry and also sad that his mother did this.

It reminded me of my own relationship with my mother, the woman who, for years, wanted me to do her bidding so that she would be able to live a luxurious life. My parents definitely thought I was a burden, especially because I was born at a time of their life that they deemed as their "prime". For a long time, I always questioned why I was born into such a family and situation. I resent and feel betrayed by the people who gave brought me into the world. I can relate to how he felt, but that didn't mean our situations were exactly the same.

"She died before I had even got out. It was her own fault really; she was a pretty unstable individual and my father is the same way, so there was really no reason he would keep her alive." He shook out his hand, letting the water droplets fling off. He then turned to look over at the forest, his eyes unfocused as he remembered something that I would probably never know. "But that doesn't mean that I didn't love her." He let out a deep sorrowful sigh. "I know she cared for me, she truly did. But her tactics of showing her love were twisted. And it makes me think that one day I would end up just like her." He turned to me with a sad smile. "She passed away apparently 6 years ago today, I never even knew. The last time I saw her was when she... betrayed me. And I don't want to think about it, but sometimes I remember the good things she did for me. And it makes me wonder if I am allowed to remember those positive things or if I have to just remember the fact that she left me to experience the worst thing that could happen to a child. Does it make me a bad person to still love her?"

Caiden's hands slightly shook, and his left hand came up to pick at the seams of his pants. His voice waved at the end as if he was on the verge of tears. I watched him for a bit, trying to digest the information he gave me and allow him to think about whatever he needed to. I couldn't quite relate to his situation. To the feeling of loving and also despising your mother at the same time; because I never truly loved my mother, either of them. For me, they were both just the wagon that brought me into the world. I don't think either of them loved me, and even if they did, I'm not sure it would change how I feel about them. For me, their existence would always be something that would be a hassle more than anything else. However, that didn't mean that I didn't have an idea of what I should say to him.

"Isn't it okay?" I asked, causing him to slowly and gently turn to look at me. "I think it's okay to hate her but also appreciate her for what she's done. I don't know everything, but I do think that if you believe that she loved you, and she gave you good memories, that it would be okay to accept those ideas. I don't think you necessarily need to have them separate, but also understanding the worst qualities that she had and not reflecting it onto someone else is something that is important." I cleared my throat, "but, of course, that's just my opinion." I cleared it against and looked away from his gaze, looking out at the forest. I wasn't sure if my answer was totally right or if he even liked it. But, given the situation, I felt that it would be the best response to his almost rhetorical question. Though, even if I said that that doesn't mean he has to accept it.

"I guess you're right." He finally spoke. I looked over at him, anticipating that he was upset about what I had said, but he had a light smile on his face instead. "I did love her. She was the only person to care for me and seemingly wanted the best for me. She was just confused and didn't know what to do to make me feel better." He sighed but this time, it wasn't quite as sad. "I do miss her sometimes, but I'm also happy that she isn't suffering under my father's tyrant hand anymore." As I watched him, I couldn't help but want to speak up. To let him know that I also had terrible parents, that he also wasn't alone. But I couldn't bring myself to, I didn't want him to know everything about me, let alone the fact that I wasn't born in this world. So, instead, I allowed the moment to sink in, and I allowed him to bask in the more positive situation that he was in.

"I'm happy for you," I told him. And I truly was. To be able to come out positive from a horrible situation and horrible trauma that ransacked his brain was something that I knew from experience. It took a lot of guts and bravery to do that, but I'm sure he knew that since he turned to me with a smile.

"I'm happy, too."

~~~~~~~

Hello! Saph here! I'm really so, so, so sorry for taking a month off without warning. I'm just going to be honest; I was doing my finals and they finally ended yesterday! I was really struggling to get through them this year, to the point where I almost considered dropping out even though it is my last year of college haha. I had a couple of mental breakdowns and some struggles in my own personal life that really caused me to feel unmotivated and horrible.

I do truly miss writing for you guys, so I'm hoping to get out a new chapter soon, but for now, I hope you accept this little look into Caiden and Alan's everyday average life. I just wrote this, and it is now almost 3 in the morning, so I'm sorry if it is incoherent and doesn't really make a lot of sense. However, because it is just an extra chapter, I can actually just delete it altogether if it is truly terrible, lol. 

Either way, I just want to thank those who have stuff around and waited for me! I'm so grateful to you guys. Also, to everyone who is new, welcome! I'm so grateful to have you! I really enjoy reading your comments, (yes, I read them all) so I hope you have been enjoying the story!

I feel like I had so much more to say, but now I'm just tired, so I'll head to bed. As always, thank you so much for reading. Please let me know how you felt about this chapter, if there's anything I need to fix, and if you have any questions and concerns. Once again, thank you for reading, and I will see you all next time!