A Loveless Marriage

Chapter 27: Mary

I hadn't really know what they had meant by a scandal, I was still so innocent then. Now, Daniel had the power to cause an even bigger scandal, to burn my reputation to ashes and break Harriet's heart. I would have to be cautious, keep him as far away as possible and distract Fred from any suspicion.

The first day had passed without incident. As hostess I always had a excuse to duck out the room or see to someone. The guest seemed to be having fun and even though Harriet was not relaxed, she did not seem as tightly wound as I had feared.

Being a hostess was exhausting. As tired as I was, I still found myself slipping to Fred's room and losing myself in the comfort of his arms. I knew Cornelia would tease me, pointing out how démodé it was to be in my own husband's bed rather than a lovers. But who cares for fashion when gripped in the depths of love? There was nowhere I felt safer than with Fred and nowhere more dangerous for my heart. Despite the strangeness of our match, my love was extricately entwined with his.

It was the second day that sent me spinning. Daniel must have followed me, there was no other explanation for it. I had slipped into the library to find a book of French poetry for Miss Radcliffe and there he was behind me.

"Mary," he said softly.
"You should call me Mrs Wilkes," I said.
"We're all alone," he said. "And you never minded me calling you Mary when were alone before."

My chest tightened as he stepped closer towards me.

"I mind now," I said. "Everything has changed."

He shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair. His beautiful, golden hair. Daniel glanced up and gave me a sad smile.

"Everything has changed," he agreed. "And nothing has changed."

I made no response, finding myself overwhelmed with fear.

"You are still the most beautiful woman in the room."

"Right now I am the only woman in the room."

His smile curved deeper.

"Yes, we are all alone."

I walked backwards, putting a reading desk between us. My fear was growing now. There was a gleam of silver in front of my, a dagger-like letter opener. I reached out and took it, my fingers grasping tightly around it. Did I have the strength?

"Mr Mordaunt, if you don't leave immediately I will scream very loudly."

He put his hands up and stepped back. My fingers did not leave the letter opener. I noticed how tight my stays were, how my dress constricted my breathing in the most painful way. Daniel stood watching me carefully. Neither of us moved.

"I just needed to see you, Mary."

"Please stay away," I said with a whimper.

"If you insist," he said and left the room.

I don't know how long I stood in the library trying to collect my thoughts. It must have been sometime for Colette scurried in with an anxious look on her face.

"There you are Madame," she said. "The gong to dress for dinner has gone."

Her face twitched as she looked at the letter-opener in my hand. I saw her eyes dart around for nearby letters and alarm spread over her face.

"Madame? Are you feeling well? Has someone hurt you?"

I registered the concern on her face and dropped the letter opener as though it burned me.

"I am quite well, Colette," I said brushing down my dress. "I must get dressed."

She made no reply but I knew she thought I was acting strangely. Next to a husband, I reflected, the only other person to know you so intimately was your lady's maid.

We did not speak as she dressed me, for she sensed I needed some quiet. I could not keep my mind from the library, the terror I had felt at being alone with Daniel. When Fred told me that Daniel was going to be out guest, I'd thought I could be mistress of my feelings. I thought I could be in control. The urge to flee felt overwhelming, to pack my bags and summon the driver.

Colette put a calming hand on my shoulder.

"If you are unwell, I can tell the guests you have a headache," she said.

I shook my head. I had my duties as hostess to perform.

Afterwards as I sat in my room, I could not tell if the dinner had been a triumph or not. I could not remember the courses I had eaten or if I had eaten much at all. I was consumed with what had happened, that Daniel had been able to corner me alone in my own home.

I wanted to shake him, I wanted to shake the feeling I felt when I saw him but it was impossible. My shame engulfed me. My anger at myself for being a foolish little girl who had once thrown herself so recklessly at a man. I deserved all the unhappiness that had followed. The handle of my door rattled and I jumped, Fred slipped in quietly.

I shook my head.

"Not tonight, darling," I said. "I feel a headache coming on."

"Are you sure you are not just expecting someone else?" Fred said angrily.

I looked up, shocked by the heat in his voice.

"What do you mean?" I said. "I've never once so much as flirted with another man."

"Well not since we've married," said Fred. "But the first cut is always the deepest."

"What on Earth are you talking about Fred? Are you tight?"

"I've never been so horribly sober in my life," he said.

He paced the room angrily.

"Why would you let me invite them?"

"Who?"

"The Mordaunts," he replied. "Your blasted Cousin Harriet."

"That wasn't my choice," I said.

"Clearly," he said. "Because you have a very good reason for keeping me away from Daniel Mordaunt, don't you?"

My breathing constricted at once. I knew what he thought he knew. Half the truth, but enough to spark his jealousy. I'd have to tell him. I'd have to lay my secrets bare. I would have to tell him the whole truth.

"Because Harriet has told me all about it, about how Daniel was absolutely besotted with you," he said. "About how you would leave love letters to once another in the boathouse."

The boathouse. I had no idea that Harriet has known about the letters. I closed my eyes, brought back to the smell of creosote and rope in the boathouse. How I felt the dust on my skin, the hardness of the floor on my back.

"It doesn't take a genius to work out you were sneaking around with him then," Fred said. "That he was the man you let seduce you."

"I didn't let him do anything," I said, finding my words at last.

"Oh?" Fred said. "Is there another lover I don't know about."

I shook from head to foot. I had to tell Fred. I had to confess what had happened.

"I meant that I didn't want to," I said, tears beginning to form. "I tried to make him stop but he was so angry with me for leaving."

"What do you mean?" Fred's anger was turning to despair.

This was my moment to tell the truth. To confess my shame, my degradation. I would tell the truth and see if Fred could find it in himself to believe me.

"There was no seduction," I said, daring to look Fred in his eyes. "When I was seventeen, Daniel Mordaunt raped me."