Prosecuting The Victim, Gender Biases, and The Psychological Impact of Injustice

Chapter 5: The Nightmare Begins & Gender Biases, Interrogating the Victim

It seemed like time was frozen. I was desperately waiting for some opportunity to clear this up. 

I was repeating the words in my mind "this is not happening." "This is not happening."

Then I remember another police officer that entered the building. 

I struggled to speak. My mouth was dry, and I could barely draw a breath. I wasn't sure my words were being heard when I said, "no, I was attacked."

He explained that he was going to have to put me in handcuffs. 

I was terrified beyond belief. I wasn't shaking but I was frozen. I felt dazed and confused. It seemed impossible.

This isn't happening, I was thinking as I walked as if somehow on autopilot. 

Then I started to move from the frozen reaction of a trauma victim to the fight or flight stress response - a misnomer since neither fight nor flight was on my mind. 

I was led into the police car, trembling.

On the ride with the policeman next to me, my female friend called me. My hands were shaking as I tried to pick up the phone. My heart was beating so fast, and I was fumbling with the phone. My voice was shaking as I said "Hello,"

I began to explain what happened to me. I wanted the police officer to hear me and the sincerity of my words.

I told her that I wanted to see her soon and that this will get all straightened out, but I didn't know about tomorrow.

She was shocked herself. I can imagine that she was desperately out of words to say to comfort me. 

Choking on my tears I said, "I'm scared. I don't know how this happened to me."

She knew a little about me and so she recognized the concern in my voice. I heard compassion in her voice as she said how sorry she was that this was happening to me. I would never see or hear from her again but the moment of comfort she offered me was unforgettable. 

I then hung up the phone. 

I registered again the fact that someone had said that she was the landlord's wife. The landlord who had evicted me recently.

The police officer had handcuffs on me and took me inside a police station. I saw the woman who attacked me inside the doorway, and I said to the police officer with me, "she's the one who attacked me."

I was still holding onto reality.

They sat me down outside a room somewhere. I was asked to wait. It didn't seem like anything was happening. I tried calling the pre-paid legal provider firm as I had maintained an account with them. I never imagined I would need it for a criminal matter.

The legal firm was not very much help. I couldn't process what they were explaining to me. The law firm was explaining something about my benefits and whether I should speak right away to someone or if I should wait for a better time to talk to someone. 

It seems in retrospect with years of reflection upon the matter that each and every such law firm should tell someone in such extreme distress something to calm them down enough to process what their options are and to tell the client not to ever say anything other than the words "I want to speak to a lawyer." 

I have no clue as to what exactly was told to me and why it didn't include the words of advice that one must say "I need to talk to a lawyer." I profoundly regret that I didn't immediately ask to speak to someone at that moment as I sat there in that chair at the police station. Instead, the most irrational thing happened - I hung up the phone with no clear plan as to what to do.