Open Confessions

To Baba.

Baba,

I won't go-'round and about the bushes. I miss you. No...not exactly but your presence. Or is it the memories bleeding through the walls onto me?

I was 4 or 5 years old when Maa had told me about the reason you guys were fighting day after day. I couldn't understand what was wrong and why is it an issue. Well, you can't blame me. I was a mere infant, learning how to write. Maa told me that you can't know that I am aware.

My brain was disturbed but I didn't care as long as you were with me. It slowly changed though. You began not to care about me even...your only daughter. Outings with you were expensive but I would rather prefer you to read me stories at home than those amusement park trips. At the age of 10, agonisingly but surely I convinced myself that it was time to let you go.

Me being young and an idiot tried to bridge the gap between you and Maa. Little did I know the bridge I was constructing might have been a strong one but the ground was made out of the sand. Your girlfriend ruined it again and again.

You know, I don't despise her for breaking us up as a family. I just hate you because you let it happen. I didn't have a childhood. Because of the daddy issues, I got into so many unsuccessful relationships that had zero future. Your whims and fantasies have devoid me of an ideal father figure. I won't be surprised if I begin to hate a guy interacting with me because I have made a stereotype regarding a male. I don't trust anyone...anymore.

And no. I am not blaming you entirely as well. I am not taking your crown of 'oh-what-I-did-was-right' away from you. But if you get settled again, an...please spare those future siblings of mine. Their elder sister has serious mental disorders such as anxiety. Please let them have a childhood. It's my first and maybe the last request of you.

Regards,

Samadrita.