Thoughts & Occurrences

Making Peace with My Grandma

When my paternal grandmother was alive, sometimes we didn't see eye to eye on certain aspects. The biggest one I can remember was that I was a high strung tomboy and this bothered my grandma. I wasn't like my other female cousins, nor was I like my sister. Girls were supposed to dress, speak, and act a certain way, and I defied it all.

When it came time for Christmas gifts, one time my grandma gave out nice things to me, my sister and all the other cousins. The boys would get sports team shirts (which I enjoyed wearing. I was a huge Charlotte Hornet fan.) and the girls would get some sort of feminine shirt. Now as I look back on it; I know I should have been grateful, but I was furious inside as a teenager. My grandma gave the boys something I really liked and me something I would never wear! Whether my grandma meant well or not, it was another one of her attempts of many to make me conform.

However let me get one thing straight. I'm not a lesbian and I've never kissed a girl. I grew up playing with barbies like normal girls, but maybe from an artistic point of view since I crocheted doll clothes for them. Yet at lunch I liked playing sports (mainly basketball) with the boys at school and they treated me as one of the guys. I didn't mind that at all. It was better than playing with the delicate prissy girls whom if I said anything out of line, I would be cast out of their social circle.

As I grew up I toned down a little bit, but skirts, dresses, and all things pink, flowers, and frills were out of the question. I think my grandmother gave up on the idea of turning me into a lady but still did not like who I came to be. I emerged into my hippy self with still my masculine personality. I think this drove her crazy and I couldn't understand why she couldn't accept me.

Yes, I understand she came from a time when men were one way women were another and that's the way it went, I couldn't be that woman for her. It just wasn't in me.

As an Irish Catholic, she was progressive in some ways like making her five boys do housework alongside the two girls. Something most women at the time would probably not approve of. I can't remember right now, but I'm sure she did other things that were ahead of her time. I respect her a lot for that.

Though for me, I felt I was the lowest cousin out of 20 on the totem pole with my grandmother. Especially when her dementia set in. I have bipolar depression and even before the dementia, I don't think she fully understood what it was. I'm sure there were also other things she didn't like about me, but mainly I think it was the way I dressed and presented myself.

When she was lucid, I decided to come out and tell her I am a crossdresser. She did not know what that meant so I explained to her that I like to wear men's clothes sometimes. Confused but still with it she asked why? I said it feels good to me and that's just who I am. I think she understood the concept, but didn't want to accept it.

When she was still with it that day I saw an ad for a nice men's leather jacket. Not that I wanted her to get it for me, I just appreciated it in the jacket admiring how good it looked on the man and would look nice on me. She then told me it was a men's jacket. I then explained to her I knew that it was and felt it would look good on me. She then went on to say that again it was a man's jacket. I gave up and changed the subject.

Before she had dementia, she could say some cruel things to me. It's no secret in my family that allI want in life is to get married and treasure that beautiful bond of love between two people. Believe me, I know it's more than that, but that story is for another day. She once told me I should never get married. I was livid! How dare she try to destroy what I want most in the world! I took that to heart.

When she finally passed I had a lot of mixed emotions. I wanted to be sad because she was my grandmother and I'm supposed to love her. This is the woman who taught me 3 great things in life to remember: