Two weeks later, she had realized she had two choices. One, stay depressed. Two, try to block out most of the grief, but remember enough to punish herself.
She had chosen the second. The first hurt too much.
As she presently walked in the main area of the Pokémon Center, (Y/N) thought wryly, Looks like every male I have a relationship with dies. First Ryota, then Ryan. Should I warn Hau and Gladion?
Even in her own mind, the joke fell flat.
Gladion.
She wouldn't, couldn't, let herself think of him. Right before she said her last words to him, she'd realized that the sparking, joyful, warm emotion she felt around him was...
Love.
(Y/N) now killed the emotion. It would only do more damage to her to remember.
Didn't Guzma also die because of me—jumping in front of Lusamine's gun? That brings my kill count up to three...
A deranged, jagged smile spread twisted her lips, sharp as a dagger and cold as ice. (Y/N) was well aware that she was terrifying Nurse Joy, who was blanching at her station. She didn't care much.
I kill everyone, (Y/N) thought. Everyone, everyone, everyone. Why didn't I learn from Ryota? Why did I let Ryan sacrifice himself for me? I'm not worth a millionth of what Ryan is. And even an infinite amount of (Y/N) can't equal the value of Ryota.
(Y/N) took a deep, shuddering breath, and strode outside of the Pokémon Center and into the sharp outside wind and harsh sunshine. She would expel the thoughts and brood later. Right now, she had a task to do. She would stay calm. Collected. Cool. Okay.
(Y/N) threw up into the nearby bushes.
She ducked her face down into the bush to hide herself throwing up. She retched and retched, her stomach curling itself into knots, her vomit dark brown from all the coffee. Bile, bitter and stinging, scraped her throat. Thorns scratched at her face, one jabbing her eye, and she bit her cheeks savagely to keep herself from shrieking, tearing off skin and leaving her cheeks sore as she did so. When (Y/N) pulled her face out of the thorny bush, she traced a finger on her cheek and saw that it was stained with dark red blood. She stuck another finger in the center of her cheek, feeling tears and blood flow over it, then flicked them off and watched them splatter on the ground. This physical pain was the least she deserved. A tiny drop in the ocean of what she deserved.
Being mute had never been enough of a price for losing Ryota, or even assuaging her guilt for it. Her Rotom Phone had started speaking for her after that, and the only difference between actually speaking and using a Rotom Phone to do it was that the latter option gave her fingers more exercise. She had still spoken using the Rotom Phone, just with the machine's mechanical voice.
(Y/N) suddenly wondered if she deserved to die.
No, she told herself. "You deserve to live every remaining day of your life in pain and grief, (Y/N)," she muttered to her own ears.
A wave of rage, agony, and sorrow came over her, and she lost control.
She grabbed twigs from the bush and wrenched every thorn off them, screaming from rage, collapsing from agony, sobbing from sorrow, not caring that gashes were being ripped in her hands, that tracks of blood were smoothly travelling down her rapidly moving hands, that her entire body was jerking and shaking uncontrollably as she screamed:
"It's not fair, it's not fair, my life was never fair, why does it all have to be my fault, and WHY CAN'T I BRING RYAN AND RYOTA BACK?"
She was as wild as a beast that lives in the forest in a dark cave of pointed ice and sharp rocks, a beast that kills helpless forest creatures, ravages the bodies of intruders, rips up trees by the roots, and sets fire to things just for the pleasure of watching them burn.
It had been a month since (Y/N)'s last encounter with Gladion, since Ryan had sacrificed himself for her. Already, all her sugar sweetness had leaked away in droves.
She remembered some of her last words to Gladion: "Pay penance by being alone. Forever." Talking about her plan for herself.
Now, it was time for her to put that plan into action and start her real penance and isolation.
YOU ARE READING
His Onyx ~ Gladion X Reader
FanfictionHe's dark. She's dramatic. He's angry. She's sad. He's explosive. She's cold. He's fiercely protective of everyone he loves. She doesn't want to be someone he loves. He's traumatized. She is, too. He battles. She wins. He loves. She rejects. But how...
Chapter 25: (Y/N) ~ One Month Later
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