The Last Handful of Clover - Book 2: Gifts Both Light and Dark

2.14 Interregnum

Even as he said it, he knew he was just parroting Davida's own words back at her from the training sessions.

Over the next twenty minutes Richard did his best to convince the woman that he had his shit together, and that he could be an asset to their work. And he must have convinced her more effectively than he convinced himself, because a month later, he found himself taking his first calls on the Youth Crisis Line.

And for the first few weeks, everything went extremely well. Until the day he got a call from Miss Little Voice.

MLV was a repeat caller, who had earned her moniker because of the weak, child-like quality to her voice. Although she claimed to be sixteen, she sounded a decade younger, at least. Her story was that she had been on the street since she was ten, and that in those years she had been handed about and shared by a gang of street kids. She'd been used as a sexual plaything by the boys and kept more like a pet than a human being. Her story was heart-wrenching and terrifying.

But the consensus of the staff was that it also wasn't true.

Unfortunately, many of the callers to Crisis Line were pranks. They were often bored kids, trying to yank the chain of some hapless counselor, and it was a constant source of stress for the staff to determine who was real and who wasn't. The policy was to treat them all as real, even if you were privately sure that they were peddling a pack of bullshit. Especially since someone who would make up a story so complicated probably had other issues that they might eventually reveal.

But few callers shoveled quite so much bullshit as Miss Little Voice. At least, according to the other counselors.

Still, Richard had believed the girl, and she must have sensed it, as she called him on his shift regularly. And even as he realized he was losing his perspective around this strange little girl, he couldn't help himself. She seemed so needy, so broken, and so in need of help, that he wanted nothing more than to find her and become her protector. Part of him imagined the unconditional love she would shower on him for being her savior.

Unfortunately, one of the other counselors overheard one of Richard's calls, and although they couldn't put their finger on why it made them uncomfortable, it clearly had. The woman reported it to Davida, who (unbeknown to Richard) had then listened in on the latter half of the call.

Richard didn't know what he'd said, or what about the way he'd spoken to the little girl, was so inappropriate. But it was enough for Davida to interrupt the call and pass it unceremoniously to another volunteer.

As Richard stared at the dead phone, he heard Davida's voice at the door of his cubicle. "Richard, we need to talk." Mutely, he followed her into her office.

Needless to say, that conversation didn't go well. About all Richard remembered telling Davida was that the whole damn Youth Crisis Line was a joke, and that they weren't helping anybody. That just talking on a phone call was a waste of everybody's time, and that if there was any hope of ever helping someone like Miss Little Voice, then "somebody had better get in their fucking car and go find her!"

Davida responded as Richard knew she would, although his brain did its best to tune her out. She said that it was common for counselors to get overly involved or attached to specific callers, and it wasn't anything to be ashamed of. But it meant that being on the staff of Crisis Line wasn't for him. At least not at this point in his life.

The sound her door made when he slammed it on the way out reminded Richard of the sound his own door had made, the day that Justin left.

Another case of losing my temper, and walking away when someone needed me, Richard thought.

In the park across the street, Richard couldn't stop thinking about Miss Little Voice. He felt like he had come so close. That if he had been able to actually meet her, to talk to her face to face, he might have been able to save her. And if he had saved her, he might have left with some hope of saving his own soul.

The incident only reinforced Richard's belief that he was incapable of truly helping anyone but himself. He couldn't help Justin, and he couldn't help a complete stranger.

It would be best for everyone if I never become emotionally intimate with anyone. Ever again.

The anniversary of Justin's death later that summer was definitely Richard's low point. But through the fall, with his focus back on his work and his teaching, he slowly climbed out of the emotional cesspool in which he had been wallowing for a full year. It took several more years, but eventually, he even dated again. His bed partners were still at least a decade younger than him. But at least they were no longer barely out of high school.

It was over eight years after Justin's death that Richard finally met Keith, while on that ski trip to Park City. By then, he felt he had conquered most, if not all, of his demons, and his life was finally getting back on track. But it had been a dark eight years, and he felt it had left him wounded. In that time, he hadn't had a serious relationship of any kind. So falling in love with Keith was both thrilling and terrifying.

Over the decade they were together, Keith helped Richard to find himself again, and showed him that loving someone was safe. Richard knew that even to Keith, he was still frequently unwilling to open up and fully commit. But once he had confided to him everything about Justin, and about the dark tunnel he had gone through in the years after, he truly felt that someone finally understood. After a year or two he became convinced that Keith was in it with him for the long haul, and he'd help Richard find his way.

Instead of being the savior Richard had always pictured himself to be, for the first time he allowed himself to be the one that was saved. He didn't think that anyone but Keith could ever have accomplished such a monumental task.

And Keith would never truly know how responsible he was for saving Richard's soul from the dark road it was on.