I'll Share With You My Heartbeat

twenty nine

Autumn grimaced slightly.

"Is that so bad?" Kieran exclaimed, exasperated.

His friend turned their attention to the sky as if citing a prayer. Then their eyes lingered on the silver ring that sat on top of the grave. Autumn had been avoiding the sight of it. "You'll both hurt, Kieran."

"I would gladly hurt a thousand times for him."

"But would you allow him to hurt a thousand times for you?"

Kieran's lips sealed in an instant, recalling Lennon's bitter words from when he left. He had already hurt him.

"I didn't think so." There was no bite in their words. "Did you come looking for me just for us to have this conversation again?"

"Don't— don't act like you know how I feel," the ravenhead spluttered in an attempt to regain the upper hand, "You lied to me too." He pointed at Autumn's gravestone.

It was Autumn's turn to frown, glancing at it like it was any other inanimate object they've ever come across. "Abril is my dead name."

"I wasn't talking about that. I was talking about the date on display. 2018? You said you died last year."

His friend turned away in a huff. "Fine. Yes. I've been gone for longer than that. I lied."

"Why?"

"Quite frankly, Kieran, I didn't expect you to stick around for so long. Back then it was just a little white lie I told a stranger."

"No but— You always said that you stayed for my sake. But you've been here years before me. What was stopping you then?" he pressed on, "What aren't you telling me?"

He was met with a brief silence.

"Are you stuck here? Like I am?"

"No."

"Then what keeps you here? I know now that it's not me."

Autumn wrapped their cape around them, smoothing the fabric with slender fingers. "Maybe I'm just not ready to leave, Kieran. Does that say enough?"

He gave it a moment of thought. "Yeah," the ravenhead decided quietly, crossing his arms, "I just wish you were honest with me."

Autumn took a step closer to him, hand finding their way to the pinecone necklace around the ravenhead's neck. They were surprised he still had it— this tiny representation of their unlikely friendship.

"It's crushed," they noted aloud.

"I fell asleep on it."

Autumn cracked a smile. "You? With your all crippling anxiety? Slept?"

Kieran took their smile as permission to smile as well. "I did."

"How?"

He felt his feet leave the ground just a centimeter before Autumn could notice. "Lennon makes me feel safe like that." Honesty.

His friend combed their fingers through their hair and exhaled loudly through their nose. "Okay," they said, nodding, accepting, "Okay, lover boy. Is this you telling me that you've given up on the afterlife? That you'll stay here pursuing this boy?"

Kieran tugged on the collar of his turtleneck, sighing and eyeing Socks from above. "No. A part of me wishes that I could. I really—" He flattened a palm against his chest as if feeling his heart squeeze. "But since I woke up, I've been feeling very strange, Autumn. All of a sudden I feel the need to— to walk a straight line. That doesn't make sense, does it? Suddenly I feel very strongly about not taking detours." He paused. "Like you, I guess." The ravenhead yanked at his hair miserably. "I fear I can't turn back now. Not when I've found my sister and regained my memories."

Autumn's eyes shot wide open, revealing a startling shade of green. "You did?"

"There's so much I need to talk to you about, if you'd let me."

"Oh. Of course I'd let you."

"Aren't you mad at me?"

Autumn's expression softened. "I tried to stay mad at you," they murmured, jaw set upwards against the gloomy fog as they gave an awkward chuckle, "Kieran, I need you to understand that there are things that you'll never know about me."

A deep frown engraved itself into Kieran's lips.

"I looked after you for... reasons."

"Reasons like?"

"I don't have family." Autumn cut their friend off just as he opened his mouth with wide eyes. "I've jumped from foster home to foster home, so I don't do permanent. It's neither a good nor a bad thing. It's just something I've come to terms with— that I don't believe in permanent. But Kieran, you stayed longer than anyone else has. In fact, I can only recall one other person in my life who stuck around for this long."

"Mostly because I can't go anywhere." The ravenhead gave a small shrug.

A meek smile tugged at the corners of their lips. "I hated that I grew fond of you because of it," they admitted, hesitantly placing a hand on Kieran's shoulder and swallowing down their disappointment when they felt him tense, "I got really angry at myself when I felt like I wasted time on you, when you decided to change course like everyone else. But I've been worried about you since the moment I left and it was my pride that kept me away from you."

"That's a lot of words just to say that you like me."

Autumn elbowed him in the chest, causing the ravenhead to wheeze out a short-lived laugh. "I have an itty-bitty soft spot for you," they said, squeezing their index finger and thumb together and holding it in front of Kieran, "But don't get used to it."

Kieran hummed, satisfied. Socks curled itself around his ankle. A knot had loosened in his stomach, easing the tension in his bones. "That's only one reason though. What are the others?"

"I can't say. Things you'll never know about me, remember?"

"Oh."

"So," Autumn cleared their throat, hand coming up to thumb at their neck.

The ravenhead noted the ring on their middle finger that matched the one set on the gravestone but said nothing. He couldn't afford to overstep boundaries and lose his friend again.

"The search continues?"

Kieran nodded slowly. "I promise I'll be more focused this time. More searching, less... boys." His voice weakened at the reminder of his boy.

He missed him already. The warm tone of his skin and the heartiness of his laughter.

"I'm sorry. I know this isn't ideal." Autumn hooked their arm through Kieran's and pulled him towards the gate. "But tell me everything."