I'll Share With You My Heartbeat

twenty seven

Sara held the cake against the backdrop of a sunset, letting the colors of the little flame and the sky meld into each other before her mother pulled the curtains close.

There was a certain type of absence that lingered in the air, like excessive space that needed filling. But it had been quite some time since Sara had felt this content, singing a sweet happy birthday to her mother and kissing her cold cheek gently in the dimness, so she brushed it off.

What she didn't know was the kiss planted on the other side of her mother's cheek. One of a ghost's, one of a brother's.

"Love you," Kieran murmured against his mother's face, aware that his words would fall on deaf ears. He could taste salt on his tongue, another tear trailing down his face. "Love you," he echoed, this time towards his sister.

He huffed shakily, wrapping his arms around himself as he watched them hug, and headed towards the door.

"Happy birthday, ma."

__________

He remembered.

He couldn't quite explain how, but suddenly the mist cleared and the curtains whipped open. He remembered. It was all he had set off to achieve— to remember, to belong, to exist.

Yet he felt as important as nothing.

This nothingness expanded from his toes across the vast ocean. He rested his forehead against the cold metal of the bottom rail, legs dangling off the edge. Kieran stared at the thin line between the sky and the sea, pondering if he could just walk to the end of it. Except he couldn't. And there was no one left to care about his departure anyway.

"Kieran!"

Almost no one.

The pattering of footsteps got louder and immediately arms were wrapped around his neck from behind. The ravenhead hung his head low, watching a black mop of fur climb into his lap.

"I've been looking for you. It scared me so much when you vanished."

Kieran lifted a hand to the boy's face, wishing on every star above that he could feel his skin on his palm.

"Are you okay?" Lennon questioned, not even bothering to mask the worry in his voice. He hooked his chin over the ravenhead's shoulder when he offered no response. "Kier. Say something."

Eyes still leveled towards the ocean, Kieran's mind altered the blue of the scene before him into the dullest of greys.

"Ghostie, please."

Socks propped its paws against the ravenhead's chest and nuzzled his chin.

"This is where I'm supposed to go." His voice was hoarse, every word from his mouth scraped with sandpaper. "This is the gateway to the afterlife. Autumn showed me." Even the mention of his friend's name hurt. "You hold your ticket against your heart," he said, swallowing the dryness in his throat as he pointed towards the ocean, "walk in and never look back. But I don't know what I want anymore."

The graveness of it all made Lennon's stomach coil, the greedy parts of him wanting to keep Kieran away from this fate.

"I remember. Everything." Kieran finally turned his face towards Lennon, whose lips were parted in tremor. He wanted to kiss them. "Sara. The divorce. I was at the end of my rope. Family was everything to me. Dance was everything to me. I felt like I lost both. And I just— couldn't—" It was all spilling out now, the ugliest of waterfalls. "I didn't want to— to die. I just wanted all the hurt to stop."

Watching the sheen of tears develop in the chestnut boy's eyes made the agony in his chest worst. Kieran's tear ducts had run dry, but the sight of his Lennon crying brought the saltiness back to his taste buds.