afterthought

how could i ever miss the wind?

Hailey had always loved flights.

Loved the gentle humming of the engine as it sailed through smooth air and wind. The loss of time in every aspect as it existed on earth. The way the clouds sifted through the plane so easily.

She never could find peace just enough to fall asleep, but she watched the clouds whirl and move through the dim-lit window nonetheless.

She loved how easy it was to get lost in the hum of the engine and the swirl of the wind. How easy it was to create a narrative she never lived and never dreamed of living.

She could so easily forget the things that lay thousands of miles beneath her on the earth. Cast a look out the window and see nothing.

But today she sat in the window seat, no one between her and the aisle, the hum of the engine and the wind whistling just as loud, and her window was closed.

It was a three-hour flight and Hailey never opened it, not once.

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She made no stops between her window seat and the hotel bed.

And when she got to the hotel and settled into the cramped room, she closed her eyes and laid back on the covers.

It was now a Friday in Chicago. The sun would be peaking in a few short hours; covering the city in a golden blanket. And Hailey finally missed the wind.

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New York City was cold.

Not Chicago cold, with brisk winds and snow-laden streets, but a heavier, fog-filled type. Chicago cold was like a sharp knife, spears of ice hitting pink cheeks, crunchy snow beneath combat boots; New York cold was thicker, misty, numb.

Hailey still woke up to busy streets. Puddle-filled sidewalks, the click of heels on the pavement, the paper cups with cardboard trays that smelled of lingering coffee. It felt weirdly like losing grasp of a parallel world that she left back in Chicago.

She filed away with the other groups of travelers and caught the first cab in a sea of yellow; she saw it as a sign of good luck. And then she was on her way to work in a new building with a new unit. She felt a sweet sense of relief to know her partner wouldn't be a complete stranger, but it still hurt when she pulled into the parking garage and didn't see the freckle outlined star.

O.A. greeted her immediately, and having seen each other just months before, fell into the same routine. They talked about work and argued about pizza (Hailey swore on her own grave that deep-dish was better) and avoided talking about Jay and Maggie, who had been off on an undercover mission until the end of November. Hailey thought it felt nice, and she and OA worked well together, but she felt weirdly out of touch with reality.

She still missed the wind back home in Chicago; and him.

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The first week in New York, Hailey didn't sleep for more than 16 hours.

Insomnia wasn't a stranger to Hailey, in fact, it was something that grew with her through the years, like a virus that at some point she stopped fighting. So it didn't surprise her to find that when adjusting to the new city she rarely let her body rest. But with the insomnia came overthinking, and with that overthinking came anxiety.

And despite O.A's urging to retreat from the small bubble she had created in New York, Hailey kept herself secluded. She spent every moment cut off from both parallel worlds; the one here in New York, and the one she left behind in Chicago.

She couldn't stop the turmoil that crept up her throat, telling her she never should have left, and the pressure and heartache urging her to stay. Her head hurt for every minute of each day and the lasting effects of her countless sleepless nights did nothing but accentuate it.

Today was her first day off of work in New York. Her first day in a week away from O.A's pestering, her first day in a week away from numerous invitations to drinks with the team. But it also meant her first day with nothing left but time to think. She spent every second of it actively keeping from thinking of Chicago, of her unit, of her home, of him.

Oftentimes, Hailey took to the leather couch in the hotel room. She missed the comfort of her own, wine stain and all. She missed the way it warmed her in the small cold apartment.

She would never admit that she missed the company more.

Tossing her book to the side, Hailey reached over for her phone. The cold screen repelled her fingers but the silence grew deeper in the room and she slid it open anyway.

A bold red number assumed its role at the bottom of her screen, indicating the messages she had left to drift away. Ones from Kim and Stella demanding a girls' night when she returned, and ones from Will who said Jay was getting more irritable by the minute. Hailey's heart clenched with every word and every photo.

Despite her mind screaming at her to lay the phone down and let her head fall to sleep, she couldn't.

Her eyes quickly moved to a pop-up notification and before her mind could agree her hands were moving to tap the screen.

If she had never read the post she might not have missed home. She might've been able to finally shut off the iPhone and let the late-night swallow her.

She blamed it on the darkness outside. The way it signaled the deepest crevices of the night when all the smallest secrets slipped and all rational thoughts were flushed out.

Her brain hurt, her eyes hurt, her heart ached and she longed to be on her small couch at home, never mind the company.

Her eyes fluttered to the caption first, finding it too hard to scan the picture and let it capture her attention. She instantly wished she had never even clicked.

'Missing my partner extra today, Bartolis doesn't taste the same.'

Oh.

She recognized the picture instantly. It was taken no less than six months ago when they found themselves craving pizza after a late-night case. They had gone just the two of them, ate half their weight in pizza (and probably beer), and asked a stranger to snap a picture of them.

His arm was strong around hers and their cheeks were warm with color (probably from the alcohol) but Hailey thought it might've been from the butterflies in her stomach. Broad smiles littered their faces, and there was no effort to them. It was simple and made Hailey's entire body feel raw.

Hailey had been in New York for seven days, four hours, and six minutes, and she felt utterly and helplessly lost.