Now I See You | ✓

Eleven

The silence this time around is near deadly. I'm sure that somewhere, the world is shaking, foundations are crumbling, something is moving, because I feel seasick, tossed in a storm that I didn't ever see coming.

"I'm not following, Judah, sweetie. Mason's saying he's innocent. Why wouldn't you believe him?" Mom asks, sounding a little upset. "Sandra says that he's innocent."

But of course, Sandra, Mason's mom, is going to claim that her golden boy would never do something like that. She doesn't see things, I imagine, just like I didn't. She's got no idea that one of Mason's primary lines of defence was that he doesn't need to sexually assault anyone because many girls just throw themselves at him. Even if she did see, I'm certain that she'd turn a blind eye. She's always doted on him, probably beyond what was good for him.

I swallow thickly, feeling my eyes well up. "I think he's lying."

Why do I have to prove myself to my own mother?

Mom makes a noise that sounds pretty disbelieving. "Why would you think that?"

"I asked him," I return simply. "I asked him and I think he lied straight to my face."

I don't think I'll ever forget the crushing feeling when I noticed his tells, when I realised that he's everything I always promised he wasn't.

Honestly. At this rate, it feels like I'll be eighty-five and still shaking from it.

She takes a deep breath, considering my words. "Judah, sweetie. I know that you're a feminist, that you're bound to believe a sexual assault accuser over the accused, most of the time. I get that, but isn't it a bit different when it's your best friend? Do you really think he's capable of something like that? Sweet, kind Mason who's always had your back?"

Bile rises in my throat because suddenly, she sounds delusional, desperate to cling to an image she's been seeing for so long. I'm certain that those are the kind of words that I've always spoken about it, that I've always attempted to cram down other people's throats when they've expressed negative opinions of him.

Why is it only now that I'm seeing just how fake, how forced it all sounds? Why did I never notice the tremor in my Mom's voice, in my own voice, as I tried to persuade not only other people but myself of things like that, because the alternative is too terrifying to face?

The darkness swirls around in my head and I suddenly wonder if I'm going to succumb. If it's going to sweep me away, drown me, before I can even start to protest.

The reality that I've probably not wanted to deal with for a long time now stares me straight in the face and I wonder just how many people Mason has managed to manipulate over the years. How many people he's damaged.

"I think he's capable of many things, Mom," I whisper quietly, hoping she hears the tremble in my voice, that she understands how much it hurts me to turn away now. "And I think that maybe, he's capable of this, too."

Mom sucks in a sharp breath. "I don't understand, Judah. I honestly don't. You've always been so fiercely protective of him, you've always insisted that he's the best person on the planet other than your brother, that you'd do anything for him. I honestly don't see how you've suddenly managed to have such a change of heart."

True to form, she's asking me all the questions that I've been asking myself lately. How is it that I'm suddenly seeing it all now, that after all this time, I'm actually not believing him anymore? What is it that changed?

It's hard to pinpoint. I know that Josie's experience with her professor shook me and the fear that she wouldn't be believed gripped me hard. Realising what people who accuse others of sexual assault actually face when bringing it to light was pretty hard.