Neon Red [Order The eBook] [Zayn]

28

"So basically I'm fucked either way, Z. You hear me? I can't get rid of you for someone else, but also can't have you the way I want. And I can never, uh, really make you jealous..."

"Why do youh wanna make me jealous forh?" I squinted, moving to stand between his knees.

"Is it fucked up that I like to upset you... in that way? It reminds me of how much you still want me."

"Youh don't need to make me jealous to know that, sweetheart," I whispered, watching him with a tenderness that poured unruly and rampant from my heart. His gaze softened, locking with mine. "Don't I always show youh? Every time I take your clothes off? Every time I get you alone? Don't I always show youh how much you mean to me? Huh?"

"But sometimes it feels like you'll be so consumed with her for the rest of your life, you'll, uh, forget about me." I knew it was coming. His insecurities were incurable, it seemed. It always game back around to her irrespective of where we started.

"G isn't a threat to you in any way shape or form. I don't know how many times I can tell you that."

"My head says differently...and I can't make it be quiet."

"Well how about this?" I played with his trembling fingers. "Sumtimes I get soh sick of seein' her around all I can think about is youh. You're the only thing that makes me feel better, soh I meditate on youh. Sumtimes all day, all night...you're always on my mind." I edged closer until I was inches from his face, swimming in his eyes. I cocked my head to the side and watched his lips as he licked them nervously.

"When I slept with Tess, she screamed a lot." It was so abrupt and random, we laughed.

"Well shit, were youh hurtin' her?"

"No," he snickered. "I think she was really turned on. It kinda scared me."

"Look who's talkin'... youh scream loud as fuck too."

"But that's different..."

"Is that soh?" I moved to put the beef and vegetables and seasoning into the pan and started cooking.

"You're you. I can't help myself around you, mate," he said, as if that was justification enough. "And the idea of what we're doing makes me lose my mind no matter how long we've been doing it. It's something about the idea of the secret that turns me on irrationally, uh, in an animalistic way."

"You're depraved." I tossed back over my shoulder from the stove. "Noh, but honestly I get what youh mean, maan. I think m'addicted to the ideah of noh one knowin' about us. Sumthin about the fear and paranoia is sexy as fuck."

"Yeah...we're pretty sick. But with everyone else, there isn't that sort of deep metaphysical or, uh, spiritual connection. With them it's just flesh bumping flesh. Same ol' body parts. Sometimes the personalities make it intriguing, but nothing really compares to what we do."

"Can't argue with youh there."

"You think people would think of us as gay if they ever found out?"

"Seriously, babe?"

"C'mon, I wanna know. I don't think of us as gay...like, ever."

"Well..." I added the tomato paste and red wine to the pan. "...it depends on who you mean by 'people.'"

"Start with our families, for instance."

"Mine, yeah, they'd definitely think of us as gay. Yours, not soh sure."

"And our fans?"

"Mine? Yeah, they would..." I laughed. "Yours, I dunno."

"Why is that?"