Can you feel it ?

Hopeless

Do you know this feeling ?

The dullness, the tiredness.  The need for something, anything. To make you snap out of it. Unfortunately for you it remains, here, still fucking here.                                   

The everlasting daze you find yourself in. When one day you wake up, and feel this random moment of unhappiness.  Giddiness where everything, even the brightest color, dulls.

People do to, every single one of them, emptied of any color, any spark that made them special. They all do. And there is nothing you can do about it but watch in silence. Not listening to upbeat music, nor doing the things you thought you loved the most and talking to the person you cherish will ever help you.                                                                                       

 You can't even bring yourself to smile anymore. Your body doesn't allow you to lie. If people knew, they would help. Right?                                                                                                                                           

This ache. The need to feel, to be alive,  feel alive will make you do unbelievable things. Things that even in your darkest days you thought unallowable. Unforgivable. Begrudgingly you do them. It's an act of despair and you know it. You're ridiculous. You are ashamed of yourself. But you do them, all over again, until maybe if you are lucky enough, you'll feel it.
 
Stiff mouvements. Your hands are going back and forth. Your arms moving like a violinist. However, instead of playing a heavenly  melody in front of hundreds of people and having the time of your life,  here you are, at your lowest , alone on the cold bathroom floor, a metallic piece stuck between your hands. You close your eyes and feel hot liquid dripping on your forearm. It stings but you don't care, it hurts !              

You finally feel something ! Sparkles of hope start to brighten in your eyes. For a split second you think you made it ! You feel again ! It makes you want to cry, to scream even ! You finally made it.                                                                                                                                                                    

But then, in the blink of an eye, it's all gone. This happy feeling goes away and all you can do is watch as the sparkles leave your eyes, oh so slowly.     

You can see, feel every single one of them getting ripped out. Your heart ripped open. One by one at an excruciating pace they leave. These beautiful but so small pieces of hope, taken by an unknown force, delighted by your pain and despair. You hear a twisted laugh echo in your head. It is mocking you. Laughing as it all comes crashing down. Laughing at your miserable self. 

 
You stand up and find yourself looking in the mirror to see them. These eyes. Your now awfully dull eyes, staring at yourself in a dark room in the middle of the night. It's winter, you feel cold, you feel stupid, you feel dead. Oh if only you were dead.                                                                              And now, you're back to being hopeless swallowed, into nothingness. Feeling the dizziness overtake you. You know you should do something, but you let yourself go, you give up. Just this time, you allow yourself to let go.                                                                                                         

You fall. Limp on the bathroom floor. It's only when you open your eyes that you see everything swirling. Your heart beats faster as time passes by. You feel your head pounding. Should you scream for help ? Try to get up ? Would they care ? Would they bother helping ? You have the choice now. You rule the game.                                                                        

Lost in thoughts, you almost don't see the mouvement. When you finally see it, your choice is made. They are back and they are different. They are moving in circles, it almost looks like a ritual. That is when you realize the sparkles didn't leave your eyes like you thought earlier. It's worse than that. They dulled. Emptied of any color. And are now swirling, in an endless motion, gracefully above you. So close, yet so far. You try to catch one of them, to see it from up close and hold it. But your body cannot move. It refuses to.                                                                                               In the end, the choice was never yours, that's what you realize  when you close your eyes for the last time.