Dysphoric (DNF-ftmGeorge)

Part 5

"George? I asked if you have been feeling any unusual pains? Specifically where most changes take place?"

Oh god I spaced out that's embarrassing. "No not that I can think of." I answered.

"Right. Mood swings?"

"Not really."

He wrote that down, before placing his clip board, "right. You know the drill." He laughed a little, I was quite comfortable around the doctor, he's the same one I've had for the past 8 years.
I pulled up my sleeves, revealing a few old scars on my skin, but he already knew about those, he pulled out a syringe and told me to look away.
He knows I'm terrified of needles.
I felt the sting of it entering my skin, "god. How do you even inject yourself? The first time I did it you almost passed out." He laughed.

I laughed nervously, "I have a few methods."

"Right you can look again now." He said, I turned to see him holding the familiar vile filled with blood for the usual blood tests.

"You remember why we need to do this?" He asks, it's mandatory to ask, his voice always sounds so bored of asking.

"Yeah yeah, blood tests and stuff to make sure I don't have any of the negative testosterone side effects and so and so whatever." I recited the same speech he would give me twice a year.

"Yup." He popped the p, "now. Onto the scales." He dropped the scales next to the seat, I walked onto them.

"Great," he wrote that down, I took a little peak at his clipboard, seeing a huge contrast between the important notes and some cool doodles, he noticed me looking, "don't worry, these were from before you entered I swear." He laughed.

"Right. What's next?" He asked, he already knew but knew that I also did.
"Heart beat." I recited.

He gestured to my shirt, I pulled down the collar and he placed the end of the stethoscope against my chest and waited a whole minute before writing something down.

"Just like every year, you seem fine. I'll call you about your blood tests and you will receive your next few doses in the mail." He swung the door open and gestured out the door bowing slightly, "you're free to go" he announced poshly.

I laughed at this, "bye, thanks Mr Mallard."

I walked towards the exit, I knew my way around. The doctor isn't like most doctors I've seen, he still has that spark that most don't seem to show in the work place, I guess that depends on the patient. He's known me since I was 16, I used to go more frequently back then though, we actually get along quite well, he has a very positive energy to him.
He had said the first time we met that he 'didn't like the boring atmosphere of a doctors office. Transitioning should be something to celebrate.' And that's just the coolest thing a doctor has ever said to me.

He works a little differently to other doctors, just gets his job done as quick as possible as fun as possible, it's different to my original doctor that tried to deny me hormones for a while. But we don't talk about her.

I exited the building and made my way over to Sapnaps car, he was stood outside rubbing the bridge of his nose with an irritated look on his face. He spotted me walking over and said something before hanging up the phone and getting in the car.

I opened the other door and hoped in the passenger seat, "who was that?"

"Karl and Quackity are doing something stupid. I mean how the ACTUAL hell did they manage to set a tea towel on fire whilst cooking?" He questioned.

"I mean what if they-"

"They we're cooking Mac and cheese George. Mac and cheese." He said covering his face with his hands, "they hadn't even started making the sauce yet."

I couldn't hold in my laugh any longer, I started wheezing harder than Dream, having to hold my chest and the dashboard for support as I violently choked on my own laughter.
My hysterics was contagious, sapnap laughed a little aswell.
After a few minutes the laughter died down, I cleared my throat, "well, I'm pretty sure we don't have any cheese anyway. We should pick some up on the way home." I suggested.

"Yeah okay. Can u message the group to fear for the safety of their living quarters?" He chuckled, turning the car on.

As he pulled out of the doctors, I messaged the groupchat,

George: this is a code purple, not a drill. If you wish for your house to not burn down I suggest you keep a close eye on Quackity and Karl. I have received intel from a classified source that they just burned a tea towel whilst boiling macaroni.

MrMask: seriously @.karl? How?

Bad: oh my god I'll watch them!

Karl: what the honk Sappynappy?? You told on me?? :(((

I laughed at the messages, glad that someone sensible was going to keep an eye on them and not help them burn the house down.
"How was the appointment?" Sapnap asked.

"The same as usual. Just did a mental and physical check up, nothing new."

"So everything's good?"

"Yep all good." I relied, not getting into specifics like blood tests and stuff.

The rest of the car ride was silent, Sapnap concentrated on the road whilst I was left with my own thoughts.
I shifted in my seat as I felt the familiar crushing feeling of dysphoria, unfortunately I knew this was going to happen beforehand.
All my usual dysphoric thoughts seemed to be exaggerated, I thought about every inch of my body that I hated, every feminine thing about myself made me cringe in disgust.
This was a usual occurrence when visiting the doctor, I never really understood why. I think it's because it's one of the times that I am reminded that the fantasy I created that my body is male is just a lie, I remember that I wasn't born the way I should be. That I'm a freak.

I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry, I felt like just ripping my chest open and bleeding out, I felt like screaming and crying, releasing all my pent up stress, I felt like cussing and breaking shit, I felt like listening to music and staring at the ceiling as the world span and time passed, I felt like starving myself to make myself feel empty inside to distract me from the growing self doubt in my brain.
But most importantly, I felt like grabbing a razor, and ruining what I've been clean of for so long. 6 years down the drain just like that.
But ever since I stopped, the overwhelming urges just seemed to become stronger and stronger each time.

"Here we are." A voice snapped me out of my thoughts, a corner store. 'Oh yeah. Cheese.' I groaned. We got out the car and walked inside, grabbing some cheese and a few other things we might need and heading to the counter. We paid for our things and went back to the car.
Sapnap put the groceries in a bag beside my feet under the dashboard.
He started up the car and we started to drive back home which was close by.

"Hey are you okay?" He asked, "you've been oddly quiet since you felt the doctors, you seem a bit... off in a way?" He explained.

I really didn't feel like talking right now, I was scared that the second I opened my mouth I might just breakdown. I cleared my throat, "yeah, yeah I'm good." I lied, "just tired, I got blood taken for some testing." I successfully fibbed.

"Oh that makes sense." He reached for something in the glove compartment, "hear." He gave me a small bar of chocolate, "eat it. Don't say no, you're supposed to eat sugar after blood draws and I know full well you love these." He ordered, a stern yet soft tone hard to identify.

I couldn't help but smile at the others generous offer, "thanks." I gratefully took the sugar filled treat and ate it during the rest of the ride home.