Always Okay | (Adopted By Elizabeth Olsen)

Chapter 13

"I-I-I don't want you," she stuttered out before taking a deep breath and lifting her head to look at me, "to hate me." My heart shatters hearing that, those words sound so unfamiliar on her tongue but her tone of voice makes it seem like this has happened to her before. 

"I couldn't even if I wanted to. I love you more than you know," I whispered as her eyes stayed locked with mine, most likely searching for any trace of doubt. 

"I don't know what to tell you," she replied looking around the rest of the room.

"This morning, the crowd scared you?" I asked trying to direct the conversation and break it down into smaller sections. I wanted to ask her about her dream but I knew if I started there, she's put her walls back up instantly.

"Yes and no," she started to explain resting her chin back on her knees, "I was mainly scared I'd lose you that's why I grabbed your jacket."

"I'm sorry," I told her unsure of how to explain the guilty feeling that was rising in my chest. 

"It's not your fault," Alexis said bluntly but the look in her eyes told a different story. Not one that seemed to blame me but one that hated the crowds and the pain they caused her. 

"I'm still sorry that they scared you," I told her pausing briefly before explaining, "and I will always want to protect you, so don't ever feel bad for taking my hand or holding onto my jacket. Keeping you safe is my main priority." 

"Okay," she said glancing in my direction briefly, "that man, Chris?"

"Yeah, what about him?" I asked playing dumb because it was important for her to admit it to me herself. 

"He looks like Josh," she mumbled squeezing my hand a bit tighter. 

"And how does that make you feel?" I asked trying to get her to open up more about how she feels about Josh. 

"Like shit," she tells me bluntly. I want to glare at her striking choice of words but now is not the time. "It's like a reminder that I'll never be free, he's here with me all the time, haunting my every move."

"Was he in your dream last night?" I asked pivoting on the topic, hoping she will finally tell me what happened. 

"Yeah and you and mom and this other strange man," she tells me quickly. 

"What happened in your dream?" I pushed hoping she will continue to tell me. 

"You were dead, josh was dead, but mom wasn't dead and she held me down as the other man approached," Alexis told me in a rushed way, which was a tell-tale sign that she was hiding something. 

"Where we  were in this dream?" I asked hoping maybe some smaller questions would help open her up. 

"In my old room," she said looking down at her wrapped arm. 

"What happened to Josh and me?" I asked slowly as I studied her face. Her expression harden as her eyes grew distant. "Alexis, you can tell me, I promise I won't hate you," I told her quickly noting the rising pace of her breathing. 

"No, no, no you'll say I'm a monster and ship me away," she said vigorously shaking her head. 

"No, I won't. I'm right here, please just tell me what happened," I said giving her hand a gentle squeeze. 

"I did," she said quickly as tears poured down her cheeks once more. 

"What do you mean?" I asked looking for some more clarification. 

"I killed you and Josh," she mumbled turning her head away from me. 

"Oh," is all I can manage to tell her. 

"It's okay if you send me away or lock me away. I hope you don't but I think I understand now. I dream about killing others, so I must be a bad person," she said with her voice cracking at the end. She pulls her hand away from mine and huddles herself into another ball tucking her head to rest against her knees as her walls go back up. 

"Alexis, is that what you're afraid of, of me sending you away? Is that why you don't want to tell me these things?" I asked taken back by her line of thinking. Something bad happens and she thinks she's getting sent or locked away. She doesn't respond to my question so I try to elaborate, "You know being afraid of something isn't a bad thing, it just means you have something left to lose. I'm afraid the majority of the time. When I was little, I was afraid of the dark. In New York, I was afraid that you'd like my sisters more than me and try to move in with them. I was afraid I'd never find you. I was even afraid to do my interviews today, but the only way to beat fear is to face it. If you keep running from it, the fear will only grow." I stop waiting for those words to sink in and for her to process what I was trying to explain to her.

"I-I I'm scared that I might lose you, again," she mumbled barely above a whisper while fiddling with her fingers. I barely catch it but enough that the words still ring in my ear. Again being the keyword. I've already left her once and she's frightened that I'll do it again. I look over at her, as tears begin to slip out of my waterline, to see her head was no longer buried between her knees but now she was intensely staring at her fingers. I reach over and pull her to sit across my lap before wrapping my arms around her tightly in a warm squeeze. Her head fits perfectly against my chest as I feel a few of her tears fall onto my shirt.  I keep my arms securely around her for a few extra moments before pulling away so I could talk to her some more. 

"Hey," I speak softly lifting her chin so that her eyes meet mine. "I'm not going to leave you again, I promise. I'm all yours, no one is going anywhere. Okay, I promise you," I continued with my voice breaking in the middle. Her sweet chocolate eyes search mine as if they were looking for me to be telling her a lie.

"Don't make promises," Alexis says as her eyes bore into mine, "especially those you can't keep, Elizabeth." And with that, she quickly pushed my arms away, got off my lap, and began walking towards the door. She looked back at me once more before leaving, our red-puffy eyes meeting instantly - hers stained with hurt and anger while mine were worried and concerned. Then the door swung open and she walked out, leaving me on the bathroom floor.

A/N

I promise we will have happy moments soon!

2K reads!!! That's crazy and so exciting! I honestly started this book to help give me an escape from life, I never expected other people to read it. THANK YOU!

 Also any ideas for their upcoming trip to New York, I know the main plot points but the small things like touristy ideas. (I've never been to NYC - so I don't know a ton).