Bad Boy Playground (h.s)

twentythree

"I don't know if I can do it. Just the idea of taking a pill and a baby no longer living. It makes me feel uneasy to think about, guilty almost."

His lips press firmly against the side of my head, his arms wrapped around me as he pulls me tighter into him.

"Know how you're feeling so sick about this, can you imagine how Monte must be feeling? No matter who's idea it was it's going to be so hard for her to do this. It's her baby. She must be torn up and knowing Liam he's not going to be there for her so she asked you because she knows you love her. She needs a hand to hold as she does something she probably never thought she'd have to do. I know you don't like the idea of abortion, I don't think anyone does, but all you can do is be supportive and help her as best as you can. She's going to be hurting so much Peach and it would hurt her worse if she had to do this alone."

Everything he's saying is so right, he's the most loving, understanding man I've ever met. But sitting in his lap right now I can't help but feel dirty. With everything that happened over the passed few hours I forgot about all the shit going on in my own life. It was a hell of a distraction and now I'm wishing I was back in it because there's nothing more I want than to feel comfortable in my lovers arms.

Harry's my safe place, my home, but after Father John touched me I just feel sick about myself. I don't want Harry to think it's himself but I can't stay cuddled up with him any longer.

I try to move to get up by Harry tightens his grip around me, looking at me confused that I want to move and probably enjoying the closeness between us, but I just feel so dirty.

"You're right, thank you. I'll call Monte and tell her I'll go with her to the appointment."

I try to get up again, using my phone as an excuse but Harry doesn't let me budge. I'm starting to feel trapped and a little spastic, like the walls are closing in on me and I just need to get away.

Anxiety.

I'm getting an anxiety attack cuddled up with my best friend, my person, I feel trapped in my head and body.

"You still have to explain to me what happened earlier." His voice as soft as ever.

"N-nothing happened." I stutter, my breathing becoming more rapid and I'm fidgeting, I can't even look at him as I stare at my closet doors.

I hate that I'm feeling this way. I'm gonna cry. I feel it coming and I don't know how to stop it. My lip is feeling raw from how hard I'm bitting down. I have to find a way to calm myself so I bring my arms around my chest and hold, trying to feel my lungs working and letting me know that I am breathing.

"Shush, baby tell me what's going on?" Now Harry seems just as panicked as I am.

"Let go of me." I whisper, feeling in physical pain from disgust with myself.

"Please, baby. Tell me what's wrong." His voice cracks, hurting my heart and making me look into his eyes where I see tears starting to form. "Don't push me away."

"I'm a bad person." Pinching my eyes shut to hold in my tears but the sob that breaks out of my chest makes it seem pointless.

Tightening his grip around me, Harry cradles my head while pulling me into his chest.

"Don't say that, it's not true." His words muffled as he tucks his face into my neck.

Wrapping my arms around his shoulders I give into my craving for him. It's selfish to drag him into my shit but as panicked as I feel, I also feel warm. It's a bittersweet feeling. It's painful but comforting. It's different emotions that come together to make me feel broken yet whole.