Katsuki Bakugou
'I want to die.' I never wanted to hear anyone say it, but now, I'm so damn relieved and sad to hear him say it. I know he doesn't want to exist, and I know he's suffering through so much more than he ever shows...but finally, he's indirectly telling me that somewhere, deep down, he needs help. All this time, he's refused my help, said he's doing fine, and he's never expressed a desire to be helped. Dammit, you asshole, you're making me fucking cry...
As Todoroki's weight sank against Bakugou's chest, he sighed, "Katsuki, can I ask you something?" His voice trickled into a thin stream of crackling embers.
Bakugou nodded as his cheek rubbed against the grainy, soft tendrils of Todoroki's hair. "Don't gotta ask, dammit."
"If I promise to try and get better, will you promise that you'll stop being so kind to me?" Arid and unvarnished, Todoroki's question transfixed the air like a gelid blade.
Bakugou's chest twitched in stupefaction and bewilderment. "I don't...know if I can promise that," he admitted dejectedly. "That's askin' a lot from us both. Oi. If I promise to try and not be as kind to you, will you promise to try and get better?" The verve in his words was soft yet perfervid, creating a zephyr-like ring to them.
The slow, hesitant nods of Todoroki's head against Bakugou's shoulder gently suffused the room with the presence of its sound. "All right... I can promise that." Todoroki lifted his head, and there, Bakugou espied the saccharine, artificial smile plastered on Todoroki's peach-colored lips.
"Then it's a promise, yeah?"
"Mm."
"You break it, and I'm launchin' you to hell."
"Mm."
"You're such an asshole sometimes. You know that?"
"Mm."
"Shouto."
"Mm."
I love him so fucking much, Bakugou thought while internally doting on Todoroki.
"Goddammit, I hate you. Don't you fucking dare." Unable to resist a smile that was intentionally beaten to resemble a smirk, Bakugou simply stared into the arresting profounds of turquoise and gray from the eyes of his boyfriend. "Hey. You sleepy?"
Todoroki nodded. "Sleepy."
He's been so damn tired all the time, Bakugou realized while he tucked Todoroki into his bed. Our conversations are roller coasters. Fine one minute, batshit crazy the next. When he isn't wandering through another world, he's oddly dismissive and bitter or snuggly and sweet. That's not something normal for him. I like it when he's all mellow and cuddly, but...I'm worried. He needs to get out and do something different from his everyday routines.
Bakugou could remember waiting for Todoroki's breathing to level out into deep, consistent breaths. He lingered in his dorm beside Todoroki for another few minutes before plodding towards Todoroki's dorm. Although guilt clung to his chest with the roughness of sandpaper, Bakugou began to scrupulously examine Todoroki's belongings.
I know this ain't right, but I know he's hiding more shit from me. Bakugou peered into the bin beside Todoroki's desk. No alcohol or anything. What's this piece of paper? A to-do list? Basically just reminders to clean his messy-ass dorm. The last thing on the list... 'It's too much.' Yeah, this is an intimidatingly long list. Anything on the back? 'Take one every day. Take two three times a day. Take five three times a day.' His meds? Aren't you supposed to take those at the same time every day?
After inserting the paper back into the bin, Bakugou spun on his heel and stared at the door for a brief moment; his heart bashed against his chest at the thought of Todoroki walking in on him. Shaking his head, Bakugou rejuvenated his sangfroid and opened the drawer from Todoroki's nightstand.
A new notebook? Aside from some bandages, that's all there really is in here. I feel so shitty for snooping, but... Bakugou pinched the sides of the notebook with his fingers and lifted it up, but much to his astonishment, he discovered that the notebook had been obscuring something else in the drawer. Pills. They're piled in lumps of five. Probably his meds. I recognize these pills from somewhere, and it's probably from seeing his meds before. But why keep them hidden so covertly? Well, in comparison to the room, the drawer looks neat and tidy. Bakugou popped open the notebook and was greeted by a poem:
Static
The TV flickers
In monochrome.
Flashes of white
Stain the walls
Of my home.
The light hides behind
A glass screen.
An abyss of life
And death.
What does it mean?
The eyes grasp the light
That my hands cannot.
How is it that the light
Makes my body rot?
Flicker, flicker, flicker...
The static
Begins to snicker.
Crash, crash, crash...
Drunken lights
Shiver and thrash.
Near to the eye
The end draws
As the light unsheathes
Its flickering claws.
The screen shatters,
And glass falls
To the floor.
The light speaks
Through the serrated
Door.
The static is
Mumbling.
The thunder is
Rumbling.
The walls are
Collapsing.
My mind is...
Relapsing.
Glass shards
In the psyche.
A crumbling window...
Free me.
The light explodes
Into artificial hope.
Caught again
By the shadow's thick rope.
The static is
An unbearable voice.
Drowning into it
Is my only choice.
Arching his brows in perplexed thought, Bakugou skimmed the poem again before closing the notebook and returning it to its rightful place; he took heed so as not to disturb the pills resting beneath it. I have no fucking idea what this one means, he mused while exiting the room and trudging back to his dorm. Just...makes my chest feel heavy. All his poems are so damn sad in their own ways because I know they encapsulate his feelings and thoughts.
But, being the one to read them, I'll never know how he, the person writing them, truly thought and felt as he wrote these. The promise we made should help him recognize that a part of him wants to try and change—he's sick of the way things are right now. I still don't know why the hell he proposed it, but I ain't complaining. Bakugou furtively nudged the door to his dorm open, but the sight that greeted his eyes was far from anything he might have been anticipating.
YOU ARE READING
Facade | Suicidal Todoroki x Bakugou
Fanfiction"Why is it that my indifference is both my chair and my noose?" Todoroki has lied about being fine to the point where he's replaced his true face with the facade he wears, but one day, an encounter with Bakugou changes his life. Will this encounter...
