Facade | Suicidal Todoroki x Bakugou

6 | Making Plans

Shouto Todoroki

I tried everything to feel 'happy' again, Todoroki mused while listening to the hissing nails of water tumbling across the shower. Despite that, I grieved over nothing. I cried out in pain when I stumbled over the smallest obstacle in my path. I wept even when something good finally happened. He felt his head being lifted and placed onto something with soft tufts. It's like I was punished for wanting happiness. I surrendered in that rigged war. I knew I'd lose from the start. I've given up on feeling 'happy' like everyone else imagines it to be. I don't deserve that.

"You'll be okay." Todoroki's thoughts were washed away like the kelp in a tidal wave from the sound of Bakugou's voice. "I'm gonna get some juice or somethin' for you. Stay right there. I fucking mean that, Icyhot." Bakugou's fingertips brushed over Todoroki's palm, and with that, Bakugou slipped out the door.

I really fucked up this time. I got impatient. I should've made sure he was gone. How did he know something was going on? Damn. Don't pity me. I don't want this. I...want to die. There's no point in living when it's all the same every day. I've seen it all without seeing even a fraction of everything there is to see. I'm making plans for this now. I'll wait a few weeks. Then, I'll slash my wrists open and finally die. Even though I feel so miserably fine, it doesn't erase the urge to die or to cut my skin open. These scars are proof of that. I know I'm fine. I'm just doing the wrong things. I understand that. But I don't care. I've run out of fucks to give.

'Get some help.' What if I want to be like this because I was never meant to be happy? Because pouring everything I have to achieve that goal ends up being a knife of my own essence in my back? Because I never deserved to be happy? I'm fine like this. It shouldn't matter to anyone else. I don't exactly have friends. As long as no one knows, it's fine. But there's now someone holding me back from the scarlet horizon. I'm ready whenever. After all, everything I thought I had going for me has already slipped through my fingers like trying to cup water. It's all fallen and evaporated right in front of me, even though I was trying my best to keep it all together. I can't get back what I lost. Despite that, I can't help but feel the awful thirst for it all again.

Todoroki lifted his eyelids that felt like bricks against his face, and with a protracted sigh, he attempted to sit upright. Such an endeavor was chastised with a blinding, blazing, blaring blight of pain that wriggled through his cuts. Additionally, Todoroki was kicked back into submission on the floor by his disorienting explosion of vertigo.

I can't even get up, Todoroki lambasted himself. How fucking pathetic can one person be? I'm not even a person. I treat myself like an object because that's what I am. I beat that belief into myself. Bakugou is doing all this for me, but I refuse to believe he just wants me to get better. He did everything for me. All that...for my sake? There must be an ulterior motive. Regardless, I don't want anyone to do anything for me. I don't fucking deserve that. Even if it's unrealistic, I want to believe that I'm the source of everyone's misery, and by erasing my existence, everyone would be happy.

Craning his neck as though on a hinge, Todoroki glanced up at Bakugou, who had returned with a juice pouch and a package of pocky. "You didn't—"

"I didn't have to?" Bakugou finished for Todoroki while sitting beside the latter. "Look, you think I'm gonna leave you here like this? You need somethin' in yer system after all the blood you lost. Whaddya want first?" He held up the juice pouch and pocky.

Todoroki shook his head. "I'll be fine without them," he murmured.

"Yeah? Well, I went through the trouble to get them for you. Pick one."

"I don't know."

"Oh, for the love of God."

"I really don't."

"For fuck's sake." Bakugou swung the items behind his back. "Left or right."

"I don't know."

With eyes that threatened to burst and spill out from his eye sockets, Bakugou's blazing glare sliced even the air. "Drink some juice, then," he growled through gritted teeth while sliding the juice pouch to Todoroki's lips.

"Fine," Todoroki sighed, conceding with Bakugou's irksome request. "Mm." He pursed his lips to seize the thin straw poking at his lips and began to swallow down the juice.

He's still doing this all for me. Please stop. I did nothing to deserve this. I've done nothing to repay him. Nothing. The more he wants to help me, the more I just want to run and escape from this all. I'm not fucking worth his time. It's just a matter of time before I fuck up something else in his life because I exist. I don't want help. I want to stay as I am. No matter how much it kills me to be me, this is the only way I can truly punish myself for everything I've fucked up. Just a few weeks...

Bakugou hung his head and expelled a great sigh. "So, tell me...what's really going on, Todoroki?"

Thinly parting his lips, Todoroki rested his head back on the towel while Bakugou withdrew the juice pouch. "Nothing, Bakugou." With brumal eyes of a remote glacier, he stared up at the ceiling.

Bakugou promptly snarled, "I hear nothing but bullshit."

"I guess you only listen to yourself."

"Asshole!"

Todoroki cracked an artificial smile. "I figured you'd say that. But I see." His detached stare plummeted from the ceiling and rolled in Bakugou's direction. "Is that what you really want in return for doing all this for me?"