Love & Serenity

Chapter 34

He inhaled and exhaled audibly and Lillian wasn't sure what to expect or even what to do.

"Jax?" She called his name so quietly, she was afraid to scare him back into his shell.

Jax turned to look at her slowly,
"After I graduated high school, I spent a few months on the ranch helping my folks and helping my dad at the workshop, the same workshop his dad owned before we lost him." Jax paused, "I lost interest in the woodwork when my grandpa passed and...I just tried to help my dad out when all I wanted to do was stay locked up in my room and write songs."

Lillian couldn't believe it.

He was finally opening up about his past.

"My grandma was the only one who understood what I was going through." Jax scoffed with a small smile, "My siblings were very young when gramps died and well, didn't remember him as much. But I had all these memories and Grams was the only one who I could just hang out with and not feel as sad as I was."

Lillian swallowed back the lump in her throat that was starting to build.

"When I went to college that summer, I vowed to leave that sadness behind and just enjoy being in college." Jax scoffed a laugh again, "That didn't go too well. I drowned myself in college stuff and my music but soon it got too much, music was the only thing that could get me through and that was what I did."

"That's better than suffering, with no outlet."

Jax looked at her,
"I thought so too. But then the fame came." Jax sighed, "It was such a rush how I went from playing at College events to having my own tour and I didn't want it to end. When I wasn't on stage, I wanted to feel that same rush just to get my mind off the pain and I found it. I found it in drugs and alcohol."

Lillian swallowed again.

"I was so lost for so long that I never even thought about anyone or anything else asides myself and that feeling of being high." Jax clenched his jaw. "I skipped so many home visits and holidays and then I just stopped going completely. Almost four years, I hadn't gone home and then the call came. Grams was..." Jax exhaled,

"Grams died." Jax swallowed hard, "I...I didn't even know what to do. I just got on the next flight back home, by the time I landed, I was sober enough to head home and too embarrassed to show my face." Jax shook his head and shut his eyes for a moment.

Lillian let out a shaky breath through her parted lips as her eyes started to blur up with unshed tears.

"I couldn't even stay home." Jax said, his voice breaking, "I went to Grams' apartment and...I can't even remember how long it took me to just snap out of my own misery, my own grieve to go and be there for my family." Jax paused, "But it sure was more than a couple of months before I went home and dad wasn't...very happy. Not just because I looked like an addict suffering from withdrawal, but because I hadn't been there for the family when they needed me the most."

Lillian quickly brushed away the stray tear.

"I stayed in Nashville until I was sure the drugs were out of my system. I left my mum a letter, got in the truck and just drove aimlessly until I ended up here." Jax sighed. "I'd not only betrayed my family. I'd betrayed everyone that trusted me and I didn't know how I could ever get them to forgive me when I couldn't forgive myself. I just wanted to punish myself and stay away from the one place I know I would've found redemption."

Lillian's lips trembled as her tears were on the brink of falling. She wrapped her hands around Jax's midriff and placed her head on his shoulder. Jax sighed and placed his forehead on her shoulder.
"Don't ever think you are above forgiveness." Lillian said with a shaky breath, "No one's sin is too great to be forgiven. You've come a long way from the man you were to the man you are right now and I am so proud of you."

Jax exhaled a shaky breath and Lillian ran her fingers through his hair.

She wanted to tell him to believe that God is far greater than anything and anyone because He is and He forgave him a long time ago. All Jax needed to do was just forgive himself. Jax had told her that he prayed for a miracle to happen when she was trying to get Jesse to show up at the fall festival. If he believed the power of prayer could work for her then why not him?

But she didn't say any of those things. She didn't want to push him and have him move farther away from God. All she could do was just be there with him and encourage him and she prayed God would help him with everything that he was going through.

Lillian closed her eyes as the tears welled up even more. The tears came rushing down as she prayed to God for Jax. She prayed for his soul that was lost and hurting and she prayed that he would find his way back to God who would grant him peace and the redemption he was seeking.

She prayed hard knowing God was listening and already working because He was.

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