This Love: Spencer Reid

swings

the first case after our 2 day break was a rough one. our unsub suffered from schizophrenia and killed a 17 year old girl right in front of us.

i knew it had hit you the hardest, so i looked for you after the jet had landed and i found you on a playground near the unit.

you sat on a swing, gently swinging back and forth, the metal of the chains making a high picthed sound that would normally irritate me. the playground was unoccupied besides you and something was unsettling about it, something i couldn't place.

you didn't look up as i got closer to you, staring at the black gravel underneath your feet.

once i got so close it was impossible for you to pretend you couldn't see me, you lifted your head.

your eyes were dark and apologetic, but that was normal. what made my heart ache was the pink that tinted them and the clear tears that painted your pale face.

"i don't know what's wrong with me. it's not you. please don't feel bad." you sniffled, pulling out a purple handkerchief from your back pocket and pushing it against your eyes.

i took a knee next to you.

"spencer... do you want to talk about it?"

you took a shaky breath.

"i love you a lot.  i don't know what to do. i feel like the worst person ever i keep crying and i just feel really... bad? i feel terrible about all the times i've made you stand up for me or the times i made you listen to me rant about something stupid. you're not my mom... you know what i mean. you shouldn't have to put up with it.  i feel helpless. i would do anything for you to be happy. thank you for... existing i guess? i don't know what i'd do without you. and i've never felt like that before. i was 15 when i graduated high school- i have normally been pretty independent but when i'm without you for even a few hours, i just get so sad. you get me. you listen and help and it means so much more to me then you would even know because i don't know what i would do without you."

"spencer, wanting support from others doesn't make you helpless. it takes bravery to recognize your feelings and share it. i'm so happy that i'm that person you can share those to. please don't feel about yourself. i love you."

you took a shaky breath and replied with a nod.

"it just scares me, how much i rely on you. when you first said you loved me, i was scared. i didn't know what to do with it, how to respond. i couldn't tell if you meant it, or in what way or if you didn't mean it entirely but some part of me still wanted to hold those words and never let go of them. i know why you said it. and i'm glad you did because now it's just a normal word in our vocabulary. it still has the same effect on me though. i just... i love you a lot." you said so quietly that i wondered if it was meant to be heard by me.

i sat in the swing next to you and cried.

that was the last conversation we ever had with each other.

i wish i hadn't cried.

i wish me crying didn't make you cry harder.

wish i could have provided you with sweet words and blanketed you with comfort, but i couldn't.

and you had to take that to the grave.

but i have to live with it.