In the World of Downton Abbey

Chapter 19 - Rejection

"Because the other things are important. Especially when..."

She stopped. Could she really say this to him? Break his heart like she did Thomas's?

"When what?" he prodded.

She took a deep breath and let it out. She had to say it. Just as Thomas deserved to know why she rejected him, Matthew deserved to know why she rejected him as well. "I'm sorry, Matthew, but... there's someone else. There has been all along. I just never told you."

He stared at her, and his brows began to crease at this revelation. He gulped down emotion and looked away.

"I'm sorry," she said again. "I just... I felt horrible letting it go farther than it should've gone with us. It's just... you made me feel cared about and loved. I guess I just lost myself in all the attention and I didn't want to do anything to stop it."

He shook his head at he stared at the floor. "Don't apologize, Mandy. I was the one who pushed you and doted on you. I was a bloody fool for doing that. I caused so much trouble, especially with Mary and her family."

Mandy sensed that he did still care about Mary. Maybe not loved her like before, but still cared for her in his way, and cared about her family since it was his as well. "We both did, and I broke someone's heart because of it... broke it a few times, actually."

He studied her for a moment, and the clock continued ticking in the background. "Are you referring to the footman Thomas?"

Her eyes widened and her mouth opened in surprise. "You knew about Thomas?"

He sighed and sat up in his seat. "Well... I just noticed the way he looked at you when you came out of the motor before dinner the other night, and glances you made at one another during said dinner... and when he stopped to whisper something to you in the library. I didn't want to think anything of it, but I couldn't help but do so. I couldn't believe I hadn't seen it before."

This couldn't be happening! He knew about her and Thomas all along! "I'm sorry," was all she could say.

"What happened between you and Thomas?"

"Too many things."

"I apologize... Whatever happened was mostly my fault. He was right there listening and watching as everything unfolded. It probably wasn't easy for him."

"It wasn't. He's really fragile."

Matthew nodded. Mandy couldn't keep it from him... "Matthew, Thomas proposed to me."

His mouth opened in surprise. "Proposed?"

She nodded. "Yes, and I said no. I had to because..."

"Because of me."

She met his eyes. Her silence was enough answer for him.

"I'm terribly sorry." He stood up near the fireplace and leaned his arm on the mantle, his back to her. "I threw a brick into everything—my chances with Mary, your happiness with the man you love... I ruined everything."

Mandy went and stood next to him as he stared hard into the fireplace, frowning. "It's not all your fault, Matthew."

"But a lot of it is," he said hotly and looked over at her, his eyes fierce. "It is, Mandy. I knew you were right when you said there would be repercussions, but I stubbornly and selfishly moved forward anyway."

Tears stung her eyes at his outburst, and she looked away from him. She heard him sigh in frustration. "I'm sorry, Mandy. I shouldn't have blown up at you."

"You had a right to. I lied to you this whole time..."

"Did you ever love me?"

She met his weary and bloodshot eyes. She swallowed emotion, which felt like a huge rock in her throat. "Yes, I think I did. At least, I was infatuated with you, and I loved being around you."

He nodded. "I guess that's all I'm going to get. I'll treasure that. Truly."

She put hand on his tense shoulder. "I'm glad, and... I'm sorry again. I really hope we can still be friends."

"Of course we can." They exchanged soft looks with one another, and then he looked back into the fireplace. "Will you excuse me, Mandy? I need to think."

She pursed her lips and nodded. "Okay."

She walked out the door to leave, and when she was about to shut it, she peeked through the small gap and saw Matthew walk away from the fireplace and sit back down in the armchair. He ran a hand down his face and kept his hand covering his mouth. From the light around, she could see his eyes redden more and water. Her chest tightened when she saw a tear escape his eye. She shut the door quietly.

She hurt him, too. She never thought that she would utterly break the hearts of two amazing men—fictional men from a TV show.

It had to happen. At least she knew that one man out of the two would be happy. She was anxious to talk to Thomas.