1.2 | Anemoia

6| six

A strange kind of flower grew on the topmost branches of unrecognized trees lining up the little street from the intersection up to Shin's neighborhood. A pale shade of green bunched in a cluster, effortlessly blending into one with the leaves. Shin couldn't see them that high up. But the scent of those flowers made him stop and look up in awe every October. They smelled like rainy days and chilly autumn mornings, crisp and spicy, like the pages of a yellowing book.

Shin's first real boyfriend was with a resident of general surgery from Yulje University hospital, a twenty eight year old man from a wealthy background and handsome genes. He was rather amiable, though the age difference between him and a twenty three year old final year med student Shin seemed too big.

"What are your favorite flowers?" Was the very first question that man asked, his words drifting between the wisps of pasta steam. Carbonate something, Shin didn't remember the name quite correctly.

"Forget me not," Shin said.

"That's an interesting choice," the man mused, twirling his fork in the pasta while looking at Shin. "Forget me not. The flower itself isn't as beautiful as its name."

"They symbolize respect," Shin answered.

The next time they met, Shin received a beautiful decorated bouquet of forget me nots. Those flowers evoked little emotion in him, perhaps because he was used to seeing them whenever he visited his mother. He chose to not tell about himself to his date, pretending to go on with the flow and listen to him talk.

In all honesty, Shin liked listening to his anecdotes from the emergency room. The man told him a lot of details about his life— things Shin knew that would come handy later on. Those two weren't like normal couples. They exchanged tales from the hospitals in the little hour dates once a week, both of them quite exhausted by the end of the day and too weary to talk much. About that man, Dr. Jeon Gyeong, Shin felt that he was the one. He had begun to feel faint butterflies in his stomach whenever he saw that man. His distastefully made hair became a good sight and his voice became soothing over time. But that illusion lasted for not more than three days.

"I think you finally like me now," the doctor sighed, his hand brushing past Shin's. They walked side by side, their steps matching each other as they listened to the autumn wind and breathed in the scent of those unnamed flowers. "We've been dating for five months now, Tae Shin."

"It has been a long time, Dr. Jeon." Shin nodded.

The man sighed deeply and looked ahead, his fingers tightly grasping the crevices between Shin's palm. "Don't you think we should've at least kissed once by now?"

"That..." Shin bit his lip. "Next time?"

"You always say that." The sigh accompanying those words expressed a little more than just tiredness. "Is there something wrong?"

Shin didn't himself know if he could call himself wrong or not. He didn't know who he liked— man or woman. He would simply accept whoever confessed and then get dumped within a month for the same reason. Shin didn't like sex. He simply couldn't imagine himself naked and in bed with someone else. Heck, Shin didn't even masturbate unless it was some eventful morning and he was frustrated from the work. Even then, he didn't like how his body reacted to it.

"There's nothing wrong, I'm just not ready yet."

The words that came next was something Shin hated the most.

"Why are you being so shy?" Dr. Jeon scoffed. "Are you a virgin?"

"I don't know..." Shin answered truthfully.