He Says He's Just A Friend

Chapter 46 - I Contain Multitudes

"I was never attracted to any of them. I mean, like, I recognize that they're all pretty girls, it just didn't do anything for me."

"Then why did you date them?"

A reasonable question. One I'd given a lot of thought to over these last few weeks.

"Because that's what I thought I was supposed to do. I didn't even realize I was just going through the motions until I met Emmett and found out how deeply I could connect with someone. How much I could want someone." I raised my brows, hoping he'd catch my meaning without me having to spell it out.

"You really had no idea before him?" Jackson sounded baffled. I imagined the actual question going through his mind: How could you not know?

I had wondered that every day since these feelings emerged. I used to assume that gay people just always knew, but were too afraid to say it out loud at first. I never knew it could sneak up on someone like it had for me. It was all so much more complicated than I thought.

I shook my head. "Not a clue. I thought I was just broken somehow. Emotionally stunted. Like I would never feel things the way other people do." I assumed that was a result of losing my dad. Experiencing such a profound loss at such a young age will mess up a kid. At least that's basically what my therapist said when I started having panic attacks at the ripe old age of nine.

"And Emmett changed that?"

"Yeah. I finally understood what you guys meant when you talked about the girls you wanted to sleep with. I honestly thought y'all were being overdramatic about craving it."

"We probably were, to be honest."

"No, but, seriously, dude." I grabbed his arm. "I didn't know how visceral attraction could be. I wanted Emmett so fucking bad from that day at the course. You don't even want to know what I thought about doing to him out there when he put his arms around me."

Jackson laughed and clapped me on the leg. "And here all this time I thought you were just a gentlemen. Guess you just needed to meet the right person to bring out your inner horndog."

"Shut up." I shoved him and we both laughed. "It's not just that I want him, though. He also made me get the way people talk about love, which is something I never really thought I'd have."

Emmett shined light into the dark recesses of my broken heart, mending the cracks with every laugh and smile that he saved for me. Every kiss and touch, every I love you, brought me closer to feeling like an actual human being.

"You love him?" Jackson raised his brows in shock, a hint of amusement playing at his lips.

He probably thought it was way too soon to be making such declarations. But to him, I'd been with Emmett for three days. I'd been living with these feelings for nearly two months.

"I do." I bit my bottom lip, nodding.

Jackson gripped my shoulder, staring into my eyes rather intensely. "I hope you know this doesn't change anything between us. You're still like my brother, no matter where your dick points you."

"That may be my favorite response so far," I said, cracking a smile.

Jackson rubbed a hand over his stubbly chin. "Honestly, for real, I love you so much more than my actual brother."

"That's not really saying much. Your brother is an asshole."

Jackson pushed his lips to one side, nodding. "I can't argue with that."

Lucas was four years older than us and he used to delight in torturing Jackson with headlocks, noogies, and pantsing him in public places—most notably a public pool when Jackson was fourteen, exposing Jackson's business to two dozen strangers and several of our friends. Thankfully, Lucas went to college the year we started high school. I couldn't imagine the hell he'd wreak on Jackson if they attended the same school.

A few rows over, Duke got out of his SUV, once again wearing his letterman's jacket, despite the heat. My muscles tensed, my blood running cold.

Seeing my reaction, Jackson said, "You know about him and Emmett, right? They're like a thing."

I gave a slight nod. "That's over. Duke didn't take it so well. He punched me in the gut."

"So he knows about you guys?" Jackson sounded concerned.

"Yeah." I turned to Jackson, gripping his arm. "But nobody else at school knows. Except Rachel and Summer. And I'd like to keep it that way."

"I won't say anything." Jackson peered out the windshield at Duke. "But he might. You know how vindictive he can be when he feels like he's been screwed over. Remember when Courtney cheated on him sophomore year?"

Courtney's windshield got shattered by a brick the same day Duke found out. Someone also scratched "whore" on her locker so deep it cut through the red paint into the metal. There was no proof that Duke committed either act, but everyone suspected him. No one else had motive.

I shook my head. "I doubt he'd say anything. If he outs me, I could out him."

"You wouldn't do that. You'd never do anything to make someone suffer."

"Of course not."

"No, dude." Jackson twisted in his seat to face me. "I'm saying he knows you well enough to know you would never do that."

I chewed on the nail of my middle finger, contemplating. Would Duke really do that to me? Would people even believe him if he tried? I had always presented as straight before I met Emmett.

But perhaps most importantly, would I care if everyone believed it?

That was a question that needed some serious consideration.