He Says He's Just A Friend

Chapter 41 - Do You Want to Know A Secret

"Dylan is Zack's best friend?"

"Not anymore. Zack told him he had to choose. And Dylan chose me." Rachel flipped her hair over her shoulder with an arrogant smirk. "Obviously."

"You have the craziest life, little sister."

"No." Rachel patted my knee. "I'm just not boring, like you."

"I need to tell you something, Bean." My heart suddenly started pounding, nervous sweat making my palms slick.

"What?" Rachel sat forward with a grave face, leaving me curious about my own expression if this was her reaction.

No matter how many times I did this, it always seemed terrifying. "I'm..." I took a deep breath. "I'm gay."

Rachel stared down at her lap, her eyes darted around. "Huh!" It was a very anticlimactic response that gave no hints at her actual thoughts.

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"I'm just thinking about it." She looked up at me with our dad's eyes. It was almost like he was there with us. Like I was telling him, too. She smiled. "I fully support you, by the way. I'm just having trouble wrapping my mind around it. You're so... straight. Just look at you." She gestured to me and scowled.

"I think the fact that I want to have sex with Emmett makes that statement acutely false. Also way to stereotype, Rach."

Rachel gripped my knees. "You and Emmett!"

"Obviously. Who else would make me think about something like that? All my other friends are straight."

Except Duke. Though could I still count Duke among my friends? Did I even want to?

"Just because you have a gay friend doesn't mean you have to be attracted to them." Rachel gave a look to suggest I should know this. "Jenny is gay and I'm not into her."

"Are you gay?" I asked, slightly annoyed.

Rachel crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair. "Not as far as I know, but I wouldn't be opposed to it if I felt something for another girl."

"Then it's not the same thing. Because I'm pretty sure I am."

"Pretty sure? You just said you are."

"It's the closest thing that I feel fits me. I've never felt like this for any girl, but I also never felt this for any other guy except Emmett. But Emmett is a guy, and I'm into him. That's gotta mean I'm gay, right?"

Rachel shrugged. "I don't know. I'm not an expert on sexuality. But I don't think it's alway black and white like that."

"Well, gay feels true when I say it," I snapped. I didn't come here to have a discussion about the semantics of labels and sexual fluidity.

"Then you're gay. Jeez! It's not a big deal." She shook her head. "You know what I mean."

I tossed the stuffed unicorn at her. The effort made me wince. "Why do you have to be so difficult?"

"Why are you being such a drama queen?" Rachel hugged her unicorn to her chest protectively.

"Ugh! Whatever." With a grunt of discomfort, I hefted myself off the bed and went to the door.

"Clay!"

Standing in the half-opened door, I turned to face my sister. "What?"

"Thank you for telling me." Her voice was gentler now, her face softened. "I love you."

I nodded, breaking into a smile, which she returned. No matter how angry or annoyed we got with one another, that would never change. "Love you, too."

I glanced up at her highlights, chewing on my lip. "Hey, Bean?"

After returning the unicorn to its home nestled between her excess amounts of throw pillows and other stuffed animals, Rachel looked up at me.

"Will you dye my hair?" I asked.

A huge grin spread across her face. "I'd love to. But aren't you worried Mom and Dad will freak like they did when I dyed mine?"

I shook my head. "I've got the sympathy card to play." I touched my injured side to remind her.

"What color?"

I didn't have a color in mind. It was spur of the moment; I literally only thought of it standing there, seeing her hair. "What do you think?"

Rachel squinted her eyes, tilting her head to the side. "I'm thinking aqua blue."

I laughed. "Sure. I'll pick up everything in the morning when I go to visit Emmett."

"How is he?" she asked, pushing her chair back to the desk.

"He's pretty banged up, but he'll be fine," I said. "I forgot to mention, he's my boyfriend. We're boyfriends."

That word—boyfriend—was so satisfying, I couldn't help but smile.

"I'm really happy for you, Clay."

"Thanks, Bean."

I made my way downstairs to my room. I took one of the pain pills my doctor prescribed and climbed into bed. I fell asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. As always, thoughts of Emmett filled my mind as I drifted off. This time they weren't fantasies or wish fulfillment; they were real, honest memories.