Evening Star: Edward's Story

Chapter Twenty: Decisions, Decisions

I had to do the right thing.

And not the right thing for me-this had to be the right thing for Bella.

My heavy sigh was silent, but it caused my chest to ache so sharply that my hand automatically moved the place where my heart used to beat.

I forced myself to tear my eyes from Bella's beautiful sleeping form, closing the master bedroom door silently behind me.

The darkness of the suite didn't faze me, of course, but the city lights of downtown Seattle sparkled all the more brightly through the windows of the dim rooms of the hotel suite. I automatically fell into my default thinking mode, pacing back and forth in front of the fireplace. No longer burning, the pillar candles inside the fireplace had melted into mounds of melted wax, distorted and dripping down the iron holders and across the marble of the hearth.

I ran my fingers through my hair as I paced, trying to force my mind to think clearly, but somehow the thoughts would not come. My mind seemed frozen, empty-as empty as my heart felt right now at the mere thought of leaving Bella behind to live her life in safety and peace, without me. I tried to think of alternatives, of pros and cons, of how much better off Bella would be without me, but logical, reasonable thought refused to mold itself within my brain, each attempt to think clearly dissipating in the emptiness of my too-silent heart.

How could I leave her if the merest idea of doing so paralyzed my mind and my being? How could I possibly keep forcing myself through each day of this eternal existence without Bella at my side?

But this decision wasn't about me-it was about Bella and what would be best for her.

I tried to command my mind down this path of leaving for Bella's sake, but all I saw were soft brown eyes filled with tears and the pain I would subject her to by disappearing from her life. I knew she loved me. And I despised myself for even thinking of causing her pain of any sort.

So how could I leave?

But every moment she spent in my presence was a moment of danger.

That fear-inducing thought sobered me, clearing my mind so that I could begin to think. And then the thoughts were flashing through my mind at vampire speed.

And I knew that this dilemma was completely my fault.

If I wasn't being tempted by the sweet promise of her blood-a sweetness and purity I had experienced mere months ago when I prevented her change in that Phoenix ballet studio-then I was being tempted by the sensuality of her body. And at times her body called to me just as sweetly and persuasively as her blood...especially tonight when she wore that damn blue gown.

Bella was a human teenager, and her hormones created an amazing scent that inexorably drew me to her, a man to a woman. And my own human teenage tendencies were being resurrected all too obviously.

I had never felt desire like this before. I had vague impressions of admiring certain girls during my human life, but the almost uncontrollable desire that coursed through me when I was alone with Bella shocked me with it power. I wanted her in the worst (and best) way. I wanted her wrapped in my arms, moaning my name as I touched her, filled her, fulfilled her. I had never been with a woman before, but the desire I felt so strongly for Bella seemed so natural-almost as if it were inevitable.

So what are my options? I questioned myself as I ghosted back and forth across the room in front of the fireplace, my arms folded tightly against the empty sensation in my chest. My breathing came much more quickly than normal, each breath catching painfully-not from exertion, but from the agony that was winning against my attempts to think logically.