3:52 AM Diary

Wednesday, September 29

I woke up at around 12 pm, after a night of reading crappy stories. I tried falling back asleep, but failed, so instead I must have done something on my iPad. My sister barged into my room around 1 pm, telling me that food had arrived.
"What food?", I questioned. She didn't give me an exact answer, but said something about noodles, so I made a guess that my mother had ordered something from the Noodles Company.

Once I had finished eating, I went to my room once again. After a while I was called by my friend Silk. This wasn't strange, as she had called me the night before. We talked for a while, before my mother called for me and I stepped out of my room, leaning over the railing over our stairs.
"Can you grab my book? It's on my bed. Also, conformation* is in 20 minutes.", she asked me. I went back into my room, telling my friends how I had completely forgotten about conformation*. I ran into my mother's room, grabbing her book from under a pillow. I changed out of my pjs into a black shirt and grayish-magenta pants, after deciding against a new dress I had gotten. I hung up on my friends, and I put on my shoes, before heading into the car. I buckled, then took a black mask from my mother, immediately putting it on despite the fact I had not yet arrived at the church.

I have been trying to wear black clothing more recently, not exactly because it's getting colder, but because it makes my shoulders look more broad and masculine. It feels more intimidating, especially with my above-average height. I'm not exactly trying to look like a man, but rather like an angry child, sick of feeling like trash for having different opinions.

Once I arrived at church, I walked in through one of the doors. The pastor drew attention to me by saying something along the lines of, "Oh, someone else has arrived!" I assumed this was because I clearly wasn't on time. I sat down at my usual table, observing that a girl who has previously glared at my family for wearing masks and even made a rude remark to my younger sister, was there. I also noticed someone I knew, sort of, was there.

The pastor began something about Genesis. I payed not much attention, and began flipping through my notes to find a black page. The lyrics "Am I going crazy? Would I even know?" Kept repeating in my mind, so I attempted to draw it, but I didn't do well. I, instead, began to draw a pretty girl who always sat in the corner. She had thick, brown hair, and bangs that almost covered her eyes. She always wore a mask, so you could barely see her face. I was happy with the final product. Around this time, I began paying more attention.

"People these days think that a man and a man can marry, or a woman and woman."
I had heard this many times before, but it never failed to bring a sick feeling to my stomach. He continued, "Raise your hand if you know someone who believes this." I raised my hand, thinking of my friend Silk, but I realize as I write this that, I think, I believe it too.
Pastor questioned again, "Raise your hand if you've ever had a discussion about it with them." My hand rose, and I thought of my mother. She was very homophobic, hateful, until recently, it appeared. I think she has a feeling about one of her children. I've been wondering if she's ever mentioned that she would still love us to any of my siblings. I can't help but think she could be lying, trying to lure me into saying something I'll regret, so she can send me away to be "fixed."
He seemed surprised, and happy even, about the amount of hands that were raised. "It's an important thing to talk about. We must always remember to not be rude, and make fun of those people."
I felt a bit better about those words, but still uneasy.
He proceeded to talk about how God created woman for Adam, because she was the perfect fit for him. God didn't create a man.
I've always been confused, and I admit, even angry, with God. Why? Why does he dislike somebody for loving another? Or perhaps, humans are liars, who will manipulate text to fit their opinions.

After a few more sketches of people, conformation* had ended, and I walked out after putting my books into my bag. I walked over to my mom, but heard a woman say, "Now, we will end in prayer." So I put my bag down near her, and, water bottle still in hand, my fight or flight, or anxiety, kicked in, and I ran through the field. I wanted to keep running, into the street, where I meet my death by a car, or perhaps into the neighborhood nearby, but I stopped myself near a ditch. I squatted, observing a bug on a flower. After a few minutes, I started fast-walking over to my mother, who waited on the sidewalk. She noticed I was finally coming over, and began walking into the street to our car. I followed after her, walking in front of the parked cars when I saw another car was moving. I imagined what would happen if I had continued walking forward, and let myself get hit my the car. Would I scream for my mother? It was a quick thought, but a bad one. I entered the car, waiting until the doors were closed to take off my mask. My mom noticed something was wrong, and questioned it. I tried to explain without revealing anything much, "Conformation* was," I paused, "-weird today." She pressed further, "How so?" I couldn't exactly explain, but after a while I told her that they were talking about how being gay is wrong. She immediately asked if I understood why, and a bit of panic rose in my stomach. I answered quickly, cutting her off, "Yes." She told me about how if any of her children ever came out, she hesitantly said, "I probably wouldn't even pray for them to 'stop being gay.'"
She also told me about some famous gay man, who was raised in a homophobic religion, and solved the issue by "not marrying." I told her, with a voice that sounded like I might cry, but slightly accusatory, "But that's so sad!"
She sort of agreed, but didn't say much. I lightened up by annoying her about "texting while driving" when she was at a stop. She nudged my hand away when I tried to press the text that read "Almost home", saying it was apparently something she had "prepared to send". When we were almost home, she sent it. I was confused, so she explained the her mom-friend was coming over, which further confused me because of the time. It was certainly not an hour to be going to someone's house, unless it was a highschool party. We arrived and I washed my hands, after taking off my shoes. I went outside with my mom, who had our German Shepherd puppy on a leash, letting her play. I climbed up on the railing of our deck, using the cushion to give me a boost, however I got down soon, as my mom's friend had arrived. She had brought her daughter, younger than my sister, but not my brother, over. I didn't mind at all, as she was very sweet, and surprisingly, not a spoiled brat for all she had as an only child. This makes sense though, because her mom got a box of cookies out of the car, and the daughter brought out balloons. The tallest one read "Good Luck" in bold letters. I looked to my mom, confused, as it wasn't anybody's birthday. I began to piece together that they were meant as gifts to my mom, or rather, our family. My mother teared up.
Our family left the school I had gone to for 4-6 years, abruptly, for reasons which will be explained later, but my mother, and especially my sister, were very upset about it. I, for one, hate crying in front of others. I'm not heartless, but to put it in a super emo/edgy way, my heart has been ripped in half.
I miss my friend Aura, already. I love her, in a friend way, I think. It's all too confusing.
*Conformation is an optional (to parents) weekly event where kids from around 4-12th grade go, take notes, read chapters from the Bible, and occasionally we do fun things, if you're in the youth group.
End of Entry 1
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