I'm Still Here

Ch. 13

"It must be a mistake. She's not going to die. They said she was stable. The doctors told her parents that. She's improving. She can't be dying." I chuckled nervously.

Sera had to be mistaken. She must've heard Elizabeth wrong. Or this was some dark, twisted joke on me.

Sera shook her head. "No, Caitlin, I'm sorry. She took a turn for the worse last night. They were monitoring her closely to see if she would pull through, but it looks like she's too far gone."

"She can still get stronger. Can't they wait a little while longer? I know she's got it in her to fight. It hasn't even been that long. I've been here longer than her, does that mean they're going to pull the plug on me too?" The anger and disbelief was rising in me and hard to contain.

"Sweetie, there's no brain activity anymore," Sera said as gently as she could.

I started crying. For Maryann, her family, and also for myself because I was losing a friend forever.

"Can I still see her? Her spirit self, I mean," I said, choking back sobs.

"Yes, she's weak, but she's still there. I thought you'd want to be with her until it's time."

I nodded, tears steadily coming down in streams now. I slowly stepped closer to Maryann's room, each step feeling leaden.

I walked into the room, unsure of what I would see. Elizabeth comforted Maryann by holding her hand in the corner. Maryann's family were at her bedside, holding her hands, and crying.

Maryann didn't seem distraught or upset. She actually looked at peace. Her spirit was starting to fade and I could almost see right through her. Her eyes met mine when I walked in and she smiled. I might be mistaken but I swear I thought I saw her shimmer.

"I'm so sorry, Maryann," I said, putting a hand on her arm. I wish I could hug her, but I'm not advanced enough in my abilities to do that. Plus as she fades I wasn't sure if there was anything for me to hold onto.

"It's okay, Caitlin. I'm ready to go. I promise, I'm good," she said in the most calm and soothing voice.

I don't know how she was keeping it together. I was more of a crying mess than her. She's the one who is dying and she's comforting me.

"But we had so many plans for when we both woke up," I said, wiping away my tears.

"You're still going to do all those things, just not with me. It's going to be okay. We'll see each other again one day, but hopefully not for a very long time. I'll put in a good word for you upstairs," she glanced up towards the ceiling and gave me a wink.

I heard the doctor talking to Maryann's family just then. He asked if they were ready. They nodded and gave Maryann last kisses and hugs. The doctor turned off the machines that were keeping Maryann alive. The beeping of the heart monitor slowed steadily until it was just one continuous beep and the machines were turned off to spare everyone the incessant reminder that their beloved Maryann was gone.

Maryann stood by her family for a few minutes until Elizabeth told her it was time. She waved to me as she took Elizabeth's hand and they walked away.

I turned to Sera, "It's not fair."

"It never seems fair, but everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it takes years for you to understand the reasoning and sometimes you never know why."

I couldn't see the reasoning for this. Maryann was a vibrant young woman and so kind. She didn't deserve for her life to be cut short.

"Come, let's go," Sera held her hand out to me.

"I was so sure that both of us would wake up and get to hang out and be friends in the physical world. What if I was totally wrong? What if I'm next?"

"We'll cross that bridge when we get there."

My friends were still bickering when I went back to my room. What I had thought was highly entertaining 20 minutes ago, now seemed so trivial. I might not even see them in person ever again. This might be it. Looking in on their conversations, but not able to participate and then before I know it it will be my time to move on.

****

I spent the rest of the day sulking. Sad for Maryann and nervous about my future. Why had I been so certain that I would wake up? There were no promises that I would. Sera certainly didn't tell me I would.

"I never thought I'd say this, but can you go back to being your upbeat, positive vibe, self?" Sera said as she nudged me with her elbow.

"You mean my naive self?"

"Stop being so down on yourself. You don't know what's going to happen. You could wake up tomorrow for all you know."

"Or I may never wake up."

"This whole Debbie Downer thing isn't a good look on you, Caitlin."

I gave her a look and continued my sulking.

"Listen, I don't know what's going to happen, but I do know that things happen for a reason. So if you were put in this position, maybe you're meant to learn something from it. Maybe something about yourself or about your friends."

"Maybe. Or maybe there's no point to any of this. Maybe I've just been an idiot this whole time, like some happy go lucky fool that thought I'd actually wake up and return to my normal life from this."