Strawberry Wine

seventeen

        It was a bad idea to have gone to South Korea. No, it was a terrible idea. She should have just gone to Disneyland. Or bought another guitar.

So much for finding herself!

Without her trip to Yeongnam and to her grandparent's place, the sequence of reality, or at least what she thought should be the version of reality, would have never been disturbed. She wouldn't have met Jung Kook. She wouldn't have fallen into the black hole that was Jung Kook. Jung Kook, with his tousled, wavy locks and his disarming smile had bulldozed down her versions of reality, the reality she had been training herself to accept.

And now she had badly hurt Chan Yeol, someone who never deserved all these from the beginning.

The moment she was back in campus, she started asking for Chan Yeol. He had become quite difficult to reach through phone.

Jennie had heard that they had broken up but did not know the reason. "Is this because he's moving?" she asked.

"No."

"Because it's not permanent, you know. It's just for a few months. He's simply helping out his father."

"Jennie, I said its not because of that." It came out sharper than Chae Young had intended it to.

"Ok... I'm sorry," Jennie faltered. "Chan Yeol is at his place today. He's packing."

"Alright, thanks."

***

Chae Young did not know what to expect as she made her way to Chan Yeol's place. She felt numb.

He smiled when he greeted her at the door. "I'm packing. Come on in," he said coolly.

His stereo deck, his music cassettes and books were untouched.

"To be honest, I don't know what to pack," he admitted as he threw in a pair of jeans into his open case.

"How will you eat?" she asked conversationally.

"Oh, mom found someone to come in and cook for me there."

"That's great," said Chae Young genuinely.

"What's your plan after graduation?" he asked, as he shuffled about in his closet.

"I- I don't know." She felt her throat go dry.

As though sensing the shift in her tone, he paused his shuffling momentarily.

"Oppa- ˮ

"Don't," he cut in. "Don't. I don't want to hear."

Chae Young felt her body tense up. "Ok," she squeaked.

Neither said anything as Chan Yeol pulled and pushed his clothes around.

Chae Young was telling herself not to cry. It was not the right time.

"Why?" Chan Yeol finally blurted.

She had been anxious to see him for some time now, but it didn't mean that she had an answer either. She said nothing.

"I'm sorry..." she said eventually when he didn't budge from his position at the closet. "I know that means nothing. But you didn't deserve it. I have no excuse. I have nothing to say."

She wished he would yell but he continued standing there with his back to her.

"Park Chae Young," he said heavily, "You're a catastrophe and you don't know it."

She knew it was time to leave. "I just want you to know that I'm thankful... for all that you gave me. I- I hope you have a good stay in Sydney." As she walked out, she left a box of tea on the table by the door. On Ji Rin's suggestion, she had bought a box of different flavored tea so she could give a different flavor to a different friend. But in the end, she had decided to give them all to Chan Yeol. She was not trying to make up for anything. It'd be foolish to try. But it was a weak attempt at a farewell gift.

As she walked out, she let the tears she had been holding in finally flow.

***

She was anxious. She could hardly eat or sleep. She was losing weight. People told her that time healed everything. Word had gotten around that she and Chan Yeol broke up because he was moving to Sydney. There were whispers that Chan Yeol was too good for her anyway. She didn't mind. Because, perhaps yes, he was too good for her. But no one knew that her anxiety was because of a different boy. She was tossing and turning through the night because she was making drastic decisions. And for what? To try and revive the past with a boy who was unwilling to revive it. It sounded foolish. But at the same time, it felt right. She was torn between her rationality and her emotions.

She moved through the semester like a dream. The anxiety of not doing well enough kept her all night at the library. When the anxiety got too much to bear, she'd call up Ji Rin. It was a new habit she had acquired after returning from South Korea. She had been foolish to have not contacted Ji Rin frequent enough. If she had, perhaps Chan Yeol would have never happened.

Sometimes, acting strong was the most foolish thing to do.

***

The interview was conducted over phone and Chae Young thought it had gone rather well. But she was afraid to hope too much all the same. For the sake of her father, she had even begun to apply for internship programs and job vacancies. Sometimes, she would meet classmates when she went for interviews, and they would laugh together at their plight and joke about their bleak futures. After such instances, she would be tempted to give up her idea of pursuing South Korea and Jung Kook altogether.

But the letter reached her home in Melbourne a week after their end-semester results were declared. Because almost every night since the interview had been anxiety-filled, she was strangely calm when she finally held the envelope with the university logo.

In the days leading up, she had told herself that if she did not get the job, it was divine intercession and she should close Jung Kook's chapter forever.

But as she tore the envelope open and unfolded the letter, her eyes caught the words "We are pleased to inform" and Chae Young let out a scream that she had never heard herself emit before.