Just one more pill 5sos fanfic Luke Hemmings, Ashton Irwin ( #wattys2015 )

Chapter 21.

"Possibly the only thing I needed was the feeling of being wanted. Most people desire that kind of thing, I crave it. I walk around with a fake smile on my face, laughing at the jokes the people make around me. Trying me best to fit it, trying my best to make people not worry. If there's anything I can't stand it is when people start worrying about me. Worry.  The dictionary definition is "To give way to anxiety or unease; allow one's mind to dwell on difficulty or troubles." But in truth it is much more than that. To worry for someone shows that you care. Caring about something or someone is like a full time job for some people. I hate being alone but I also can't stand being cared for. I'm double sided.  It's my own personal dilemma. A constant war I have with my self. And the thing I think I'm looking for never seems to be it. When I find the thing I'm searching for, it never seems to live up to my standards. It's extremely confusing.  For all you know I could be the happiest person that cry's them self to sleep at night for an unknown reason.  It feels like everyone I get close to is hiding a gun, and if I make one mistake... bang, I'm dead. It may just be me but all I know is that I go on living each repetitive day, over and over again. Looking for something,than throwing it away. You try to substitute pain, with anything available. Drugs, alcohol, sex, hurting others. There's a constant pressure from society to be perfect. To get good grades, to be beautiful or handsome, to be friendly and nice, to act this way or that way, to be an impossible person. I'm sorry to tell you but to be all of those things is really fucking hard. I forgive and forget,but I also cause hurt in others. Not for personal pleasure, but because I'm scared of people leaving.  I have mental issues that I don't know how to deal with. Doctors give you pills, which they think of as a saviour. I hate to tell you but a little pill can only help me to an extent. All of those doctors, they try to make you feel better. But they will never be able to feel exactly your pain. Is it just me?"

I was crying when I finished writing in my journal. I bottle up all of my emotions because I think it's easier not to feel them. But emotions are meant to be felt.

My Aunt Jennifer is back from the hospital and is happier than ever. I think it's starting to rub off on me. Can emotions be spread? I did have good things going on. Ashton said he liked me, school is going good, and my two best friends from Colorado where coming to visit me. Kate and Sophia. The only friends who stayed when I was literally killing my self. They meant more to me than a million dollars.  And that's a lot coming from someone who really likes the one dollar tacos from Taco Bell if you know what I mean. They would be getting here in exactly a week. Perfect because spring break was coming up.

I ran up stairs after making sure it looked like I didn't cry.

I found my Aunt Jennifer dancing to The Beatles.

"I wanna hold your haaaaaannnnndddd" she was singing "I wanna hold your hand, and when you touch me I feel happy in side" was turned dancing to me.

I laughed ad I leaned against the wall.

"Hey sweetheart, how are you" she said

"I'm fine, ....hungry" I said tapping my foot to the beat.

"Well we have food here, if you can't find anything you like we can go to Chipotle" she smiled.

She has been so happy since she got back, it was nice.

I did make an honest effort to find something to eat but couldn't find anything I was in the mood for.

"Hey, I can't find anything" I half frowned, making a pouty face.

"Haha, okay then get in the car, I'll be right out" she said.

I ran to the car and got it, Chipotle was one of my favorite foods. Hopefully today was going to be different, I mean if it has burritos it has to be good. Right?